


Euphoric Neurosis

by potionsmaster, ThreeWhiskeyLunch



Series: Hangin' Out at Midnight on the Silversun Strip [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bacon, Bad Flirting, Biotic Sex, Biotics, Can Opener, Crank the Flirt to 11, Crude, Drink Stealing, Drunken Shenanigans, Extra Foam, Gotta have you now, Humor, John's a closet exhibitionist, LEWD, M/M, Parcheesi, Say it in French, Subharmonic Singing, Turian Rod, Turian-grade Bedding, Universe convergence, Vaksani, Vaksani is a thing, Who took Garrus' stick?, You're so cute when you pout, bad metaphors, beautifully rude, drinking whiskey, mShenko, the morning after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 21:50:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4496016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeWhiskeyLunch/pseuds/ThreeWhiskeyLunch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mshenko. Vaksani.  Lots of whiskey.  This is what happens when two universes collide.  Awesomeness, in other words, in the form of universe convergence and alternates.  Buckle up.  Part 1 of <em>Hangin' Out at Midnight on the Silversun Strip</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whiskey River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan invited Zaeed and Garrus over for a quiet evening to reminisce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo, this is a thing that tends to happen to me with decently alarming frequency, I'm finding. Late-night Skype calls tend to produce awesome. Then it gets inflicted on you all. My sassy boys from [The Storm That Brought Me To You](http://archiveofourown.org/series/268873) and her smexy-as-fuck mercs from her series [ Madness Because The Reasons Don't Make Sense](http://archiveofourown.org/series/175652) apparently decided to meet at the apartment on the Citadel and share a cuppa. Or six. Because six is mathematically funny. ~potionsmaster
> 
> This is one of those things that you wonder “Oh god oh god, what have we done?” even before the whole thing is over. It’s magical in the way stepping in a cow pie is magical. Engrossing like staring at a traffic jam is engrossing. Almost musical if you like things seriously off-key. But it makes us both happy, so there’s that. Also, I think it’s probably more than six, but no one here is judging. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch

_**Euphoric Neurosis**_ , by potionsmaster and ThreeWhiskeyLunch

 

Rating: M. Drinking, swearing, biting, bad metaphor-ing, talking adult-ish stuff. So in other words, what you usually expect from the two of us. Respectively.

 

 

 **Chapter 1** : _Whiskey River_

 

~*~*~*~

 

“Shepard!” Kaidan called up the stairs of their apartment, blue Alliance hoodie draped over the railing.

 

“What?” came the muffled answer.

 

“Pick up your socks and take the rest of the laundry up when you do, ok? They're going to be here in a few.”

 

“Yeah, ok!”

 

“John.....”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I mean it. Pick up your clothes; you're worse than Vivi about it!”

 

The commander appeared at the top of the stairs and grinned down at his partner. Kaidan tossed the blue hoodie to him. Shepard caught it and put it on, chuckling at the eye roll he received in response.

 

“What? I like your hoodie. It reminds me of you.”

 

“Uh-huh. Know what I like?”

 

He started climbing the stairs, running his hand along the rail. Shepard narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

 

“What...”

 

Kaidan reached the top and slid his arms around the commander slowly, looking at him through the black lace of his eyelashes.

 

“I like...”

 

He pressed his lips to his partner's neck, working his way up to behind Shepard's ear. Shepard wasn't buying it.

 

“I like what you're doing, but I don't believe you're sincere in the slightest, _Major-Spectre_...”

 

“Mm.....what I was going to say, before you interrupted,” he said, planting one on Shepard's lips, “....was that I really...really.... _really_.....like it when, ah.....”

 

His hands kneaded the small of Shepard's back.

 

“You think you're being coy. It's not working, K.”

 

“....when you pick up your damn laundry. I'm not your maid, you know.”

 

“No, but you in a little French maid costume? And a feather duster? It has possibilities...”

 

Kaidan smacked him on the chest, scowling.

 

“....you truly are awful, you know that?”

 

“Oohhh, and it'd be even better if you spoke French while you were dressed like that, too. Keep up the illusion.”

 

“No. Not only no, but _hell_ no,” Kaidan sighed and clumped down the stairs, “Could you at least pretend to put up the laundry? At this point, I don't care if you leave the basket in the bedroom, so long as it's out of sight of the guests.”

 

Shepard followed him down, smirking.

 

“C'mon, K....it's Garrus and Zaeed. They're not going to care.”

 

“ _I_ care.”

 

Shepard tackled Kaidan from behind and threw them both on one of the couches in the living room. His hands fumbled with getting his partner's shirt untucked while Kaidan struggled halfheartedly, laughing.

 

“Maybe you can _make_ me care about it....” He shoved his hands under the cloth, trying to tickle the other man. Kaidan squirmed, blocking Shepard's hands from his ribs.

 

“Or.....maybe you could just do it? So I could reward you for a job well done?”

 

“Mmm...that has possibilities, too. I like the way you think, K,” Shepard said as he bounced himself off the couch cushions and started retrieving wayward socks. Kaidan peeled himself off the couch, readjusting his shirt.

 

“You are way too enthusiastic right now,” he grumbled. Shepard laughed as he started up the staircase again, basket of laundry tucked against his hip. Kaidan straightened a few of the books on the shelf next to the fireplace, then moved to the bar, setting up a couple of bottles of whiskey and some tumblers. Shepard came back into the room at that point, smug look in place.

 

“There. All taken care of. I even put the dirty stuff in the hamper. Happy?”

 

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at his partner.

 

“Uh, sure. Until I find where you really stashed it.”

 

Shepard chuckled and leaned on the bar next to Kaidan, bumping his shoulder into the other man's. The biotic leaned back against him. The commander pressed a kiss to the graying temple.

 

“It's all where it should be, I promise. I'm just glad there weren't any armor plates mixed in with it, like that time on the SR1? The washer wouldn't be able to handle it.”

 

“Ha! Yeah. Your cabin was kind of a mess that day...”

 

“' _Kind of_?' That's the understatement of the century...I distinctly remember you were the cause of the mess. For once.”

 

Kaidan snorted and glanced at Shepard from the corner of his eye.

 

“I was uh, preoccupied. Other things on my mind, y'know?”

 

“Oh yeah? Tell me more.”

 

“You were there, Shepard. You know perfectly well what happened.”

 

“Yeah, but I still like hearing about it. Especially when you describe your reaction to me, uh..how do you put it?”

 

“What, the fact that I almost lost my mind the first time you touched me 'below decks'?”

 

“Yeah. That...” Shepard buried his face in Kaidan's neck, trying to push him off-balance. His partner huffed a laugh and shoved him back.

 

“That's goddamned cute and also too much goddamned information...”

 

Kaidan whipped around, ears flaming at the gravelly voice. Zaeed was swaggering in with a bottle in hand, Garrus lurking a bit behind him apologetically.

 

“Ah...Massani, Vakarian. Let me get the door for you,” Shepard smirked, “Ever hear of knocking?”

 

“You know, for two Spectres living together, your security system is quite poor. You should let Zee and me rig it for you. We still have that whole other list from the proposed modifications we came up with at the last major party you had here.”

 

“So the first time you got your rocks off together was mind-blowing, eh?” Zaeed said as he plunked the bottle on the bar next to the others and uncorked one.

 

“It'd been awhile, alright...?” Kaidan's ears were still pink as he stared at the polished surface of the bar.

 

“Ah, calm down, pup...didn't mean anything by it.” He shoved a lowball three fingers deep to the biotic, who took it gratefully. Shepard ran his tongue along the edge of a canine, pulling the bottle Zaeed had brought with them closer. _Rebel Redemption Special Reserve Whiskey_. He wasn't surprised; sounded like something Vakarian would like. The red dextro stamp on the label glinted in the firelight.

 

“Well, if it's any consolation, Kaidan, I thought the first time with Zee was like little fireworks, all going off at the same time...” the turian said. He thought the biotic was being a bit uptight, but he wanted to try to put him at ease as much as possible.

 

“ _Thank_ you, Garrus,” Kaidan said, toasting him. Shepard chuckled, unwrapping the foil from the dextro whiskey. The turian slid on a bar stool.

 

“You're so cute when you pout, K.”

 

“I am _not_ pouting...” he protested, brows furrowed as he stared at the amber liquid in his glass. He swirled it.

 

“You are, but that's ok. I find it adorable,” the commander retorted. He handed a tumbler to Garrus. Zaeed rolled his eyes halfheartedly but caught Kaidan's gaze, nodding at him in acknowledgement of his partner's assessment. Kaidan winked back.

 

“Still not pouting...”

 

“Whatever you say, Kaidan,” Shepard said, pouring himself his own drink.

 

“Movin' on,” Zaeed said, “Did I ever tell you the time I was on this job to capture these batarian pirates...”

 

Shepard lounged against the bar. “Nope. Go on, then.”

 

“Me and my buddy Marco were hired to find these pirates. Kidnapped an entire asari commando unit by poisoning the water supply. Were going to try and sell them into slavery. Incredibly stupid.” He took a sip, glancing at his audience. All three Spectres were leaning forwards.

 

“Those pirates didn't know what hit them-”

 

“I hope you put a boot up their asses,” Shepard interrupted.

 

“Yeah, well...By the time we found them, they'd been torn apart and the commandos were all sitting around drinking the batarians' whiskey like it was a goddamn tea party. Easiest job I'd ever had...” The merc crossed his arms, satisfied with the look of surprise on the commander's face.

 

“HA! That showed 'em,” Kaidan scoffed. Garrus slid off his stool and moved closer to his mate; he had an idea of what was coming next.

 

“Had a bit of a party-”

 

Kaidan huffed a laugh as a clawed hand clamped itself over the merc's mouth. Shepard groaned.

 

“Aw, Garrus, let him speak! We were just getting to the good part.”

 

Zaeed pulled the gloved hand away from his face playfully. “Yeah, lemme tell how those asari were happy to see us, _Garrus_.” The turian shook his head, mandibles flaring in an affectionate grin.

 

“'Story time with Zaeed' was one of the highlights on the SR2. You really going to deny me that?” the commander said around a sip. He winced at the burn of alcohol.

 

“If I had a credit for every time Shepard would come down and practically sit on my knee and beg to look at the pictures in the books...” Garrus shot a look at Shepard, his mate chuckling next to him. The commander crossed his arms, brow furrowed.

 

“I did not...”

 

Kaidan snorted into his drink.

 

“You're so cute when you pout, John...” he quipped, ruffling his hand over Shepard's buzzcut. The other man ducked out from under it, rolling his eyes as his own words were used against him. Zaeed and Garrus shook their heads and huffed a couple of laughs at the exchange.

 

“Like an old married couple,” Zaeed muttered.

 

“Quiet from the peanut gallery. I've seen the bite marks, you know...” Shepard nodded at the scar peeking above the merc's collar.

 

“Piss off, ya wanker,” the other man retorted with a smug grin. Shepard's eyes glinted.

 

“Oh no...” Kaidan said, throwing back the rest of his drink in anticipation.

 

“Haven't needed to for a while, but thanks for the offer, Zaeed. Didn't know you cared,” the commander retorted sarcastically. The merc scoffed as he topped off his own drink. Kaidan shoved his empty lowball towards him.

 

“I'll need another, too, if you don't mind...Something tells me I'll need it to numb myself to all the bad jokes.”

 

“Kaidan might need quite a few more, really,” Garrus broke in, mandibles flexing. The biotic eyed him warily, eyebrow quirked.

 

“Oh? And why is that, Vakarian?” he asked cautiously. Shepard smirked behind his drink.

 

“Well, someone stole the rod from my ass. Haven't been the same since,” the turian remarked. The commander scoffed.

 

“That would be Joker. Said EDI needed to study it a bit.”

 

Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes screwed shut.

 

“No, John....just....no,” he said before he took a slug of his whiskey. Zaeed crowed with laughter, bent double behind the bar. Shepard peered over the counter top.

 

“Alright, old man?” He offered a hand. Zaeed grabbed it, still guffawing.

 

“Thanks, Shepard...I needed that.”

 

“Anything for you, Zaeed.”

 

“So if EDI has my rod, what's up your butt, Alenko? Hm?” Garrus broke in, pointedly looking at Shepard. His sub-harmonics hummed. Kaidan's ears flushed again and he didn't respond. Zaeed smacked the turian.

 

“...fucking rude is what you are, Garrus.”

 

Shepard clapped a hand on Kaidan's shoulder, squeezing it gently in reassurance. Kaidan glanced at him and took another sip.

 

“Actually, strike that and reverse it, Vakarian,” the commander smirked. The biotic choked on his drink.

 

“JOHN!” he gasped in horror. He was absolutely mortified. Shepard pulled Kaidan towards him, bumping his forehead against his partner's affectionately.

 

“Well...ok, not all the time; I'll give him that.”

 

Zaeed glanced between them, grinning as he took a drink.

 

“'Bout bloody time, Shepard...”

 

“Oh, what, Zaeed? What do you know about it?” Shepard rolled his head to look at the merc, still resting it on his partner's shoulder with a grin.

 

Kaidan looked at Garrus, half exasperated and half pleased with the commander's attention.

 

“I shouldn't have doubted your assessment of the number of drinks I needed, Garrus....you always had a good eye for estimates and numbers.”

 

The turian nodded in acknowledgement, taking a draft of his whiskey. Zaeed was still talking to Shepard in the background.

 

“Try mixing it up a bit, you horn dog.”

 

“With age comes experience, is that what you're telling me?” the commander shot back. Garrus nodded vigorously, sub-harmonics trilling. The mercenary knocked his hip against his mate's. Kaidan snorted.

 

“...EDI might want to give that stick back. Looks like they've got a use for it...” he said quietly, eyes twinkling.

 

“Ooo, ouch...K-dog bites back!” Shepard announced, slapping the bar with his hand. Kaidan heaved a sigh.

 

“You know how much I hate that nickname.”

 

“Yep. Noted and _completely_ disregarded, Major...” the commander winked at him over a long drink.

 

“Great...” the biotic groaned, dropping his head on his arms, “Just what I wanted to hear.”

 

“K-dog it is,” Zaeed snickered as Shepard laughed, “For ever and fucking ever.” Kaidan lifted his head and contemplated his drink, brow furrowed.

 

“...You're dead to me, John.”

 

“I'm sure I'll find some way of making it up to you, K...” the commander murmured in his partner's ear.

 

Zaeed slapped Kaidan on the back, making the whiskey slosh.

 

“You're a good egg, _K-dog_...” he chortled.

 

“Heh...thanks, Massani. You're, uh...not so bad yourself,” he gave him a half-smile. “Or, at least, your taste in whiskey isn't.” The mercenary looked pleased at that.

 

“Don't get all mushy on me, now. Garrus'll get jealous and have to kill you.”

 

“I'll just go all 'turian boogeyman' on his pointy butt if he tries,” came the flippant response. Shepard winced.

 

“Careful, K...them's fightin' words,” he said lightly, trying to gloss over it. Garrus shifted uncomfortably. Zaeed narrowed his eyes, glancing between the three of them.

 

“Um...that's okay..you..don't have to do that...”

 

“You know I would never, Garrus,” Kaidan said softly, ducking his head apologetically. Shepard rubbed his back. “I'm alright....it's in the past, John.”

 

Massani crossed his arms over his chest. “' _Turian boogeyman_ '...? Need to tell me something, Garrus?” When no one said anything, Zaeed grumbled into his lowball, "Think I missed something."

 

“It's a small galaxy, Massani, put it that way,” Shepard said tactfully. Kaidan swirled his liquor again.

 

“Vakarian can tell it if he wants; fine by me...” he mumbled.

 

The turian shook his head. “I'll maybe tell you later, Zee...”

 

“Well, why not now?” Kaidan asked, words a little fuzzy. He took another sip of whiskey, “It's kind of an elcor in the room at this point...”

 

“Go ahead, since you brought it up,” Shepard said, quirking an eyebrow at him.

 

“Yeah. C'mon, K-dog. Tell the story.” Zaeed put his glass down with a thump, fixing the biotic with a stare.

 

Garrus rubbed the back of his neck. “Stop poking, Zee...he doesn't have to.” Zaeed gave his mate a concerned glance.

 

“Um, do you know anything about Jump Zero? Or Conatix?” Kaidan asked hesitantly.

 

Zaeed frowned, his attention back on the biotic. “Heard stories. Interesting stuff...lots of rumors out there.”

 

Shepard slipped Kaidan's whiskey out of his hand and took a sip before his partner could stop him. Kaidan shot him a look. Garrus flexed his mandibles and poured himself more of his _Rebel Reserve_.

 

“So...who's up for some karaoke?” he asked in an attempt to change the subject, “John??”

 

Shepard took another swig then filled both his and Kaidan's tumblers again. “Uhhh.......maybe in a bit, Vakarian...air might need to clear a bit before that.”

 

“Yeah, it was in poor taste to bring it up,” Kaidan winced as he accepted his drink again, “I'm sorry.”

 

Zaeed narrowed his eyes at the turian, searching for unspoken answers. “Tell me later, love...” he said gruffly. Garrus nodded and shifted a bit closer, sharing warmth with the mercenary.

 

Shepard leered at them. “Increase the sap level to 11, gentlemen.”

 

“You're not helping, John,” Kaidan broke in, hand on his partner's shoulder. He squeezed it for emphasis. The turian stuck his tongue out at Shepard from behind Kaidan. The commander snickered.

 

“.....where did Joker leave that stick? There's a turian that needs it reapplied. Ow!”

 

Garrus had reached over the bar and smacked Shepard upside the head. Kaidan snorted at his partner while he rubbed the sore spot.

 

“You deserved every bit of that, you know.”

 

“Yeah, you did, Shep,” the merc chuckled, “Only thing he needs up his ass is my-”

 

Garrus cut Zaeed off with matching smack upside his head. Kaidan scowled.

 

“No wonder you two get along so well.”

 

Shepard laughed, “Two thermal sinks in a clip, what can I say...” He slid Kaidan's drink out of his hands and almost managed to steal a sip. Kaidan deftly scooped it out of his partner's hands again and took swallow, locking eyes with him. Shepard exhaled noisily through his nose, biting his lower lip.

 

“Huh boy...” the biotic snorted.

 

Zaeed lifted his tumbler in a toast. “Here's to heat sinks and clips to put them in,” he proclaimed, tossing back his drink.

 

“Hear, hear,” Shepard said, grabbing the glass back from Kaidan and taking a sip. Kaidan rolled his eyes and picked up the commander's forgotten lowball.

 

“Ok, that was a good one,” he acquiesed.

 

Garrus shook his head, a teasing smile spreading his mandibles. “I dunno. That was crude, Zee. Very crude...”

 

“So show us some finesse, Vakarian,” Shepard challenged playfully. The turian hummed. Zaeed glanced at him. Garrus cleared his throat and lifted his freshly topped-off glass.

 

“Here's to teeth and necks to sink them into!”

 

He grinned before taking a swig. Zaeed could only blink slowly, color rising up his cheeks. Kaidan huffed a laugh.

 

“I'll drink to that,” he winked at Shepard and playfully bared his teeth at him. The commander gave him an amused smile, eyes twinkling.

 

“Don't make promises you don't intend to keep, Alenko.”

 

“You should keep that promise, Kaidan...take it from me,” Garrus said from behind a clawed hand, pretending to be covert. The biotic lifted an elegant eyebrow as he glanced over his shoulder at the turian. Garrus cocked his head to the side.  Kaidan's voice was low and playful.

 

“If he keeps playing his cards right, I just might...”

 

Shepard exhaled sharply, shaking his head as if to clear it.

 

“Oh...I love a challenge, K...”

 

“You two are goddamn pups. Come talk to me when you've had fucking turian knife-teeth plunged into your flesh.”

 

“Just how young do you think I am? I'm a silver fox, thankyouverymuch,” Kaidan sniffed. The commander kissed his forehead gently.

 

Zaeed snorted. “Silver kitten, more like....”

 

Shepard coughed lightly, “I am enjoying the 'silver kitten' description _very_ much...” He slid his arms around his partner and stuck his hands in Kaidan's back pockets. “Especially since I know how to make you purr.”

 

Kaidan's eyes widened. He flicked Shepard on the ear and got a quiet laugh punctuated with a kiss on his neck in response. Zaeed snorted into his drink again.

 

“Shut it,” the biotic hissed, mortified. “How much did you drink?!?”

 

Shepard pulled back and gave him a sly look.

 

“Not nearly enough to warrant that comment, I'm willing to wager.”

 

“Like I said: you're just pups. You want 'purring', get yourself a turian.”

 

“Ha!” the commander said. Kaidan wriggled out of his arms enough to take a drink.

 

Garrus grinned, unable to hide his pleasure for his mate's words, though it was also a trifle embarrassing. No more embarrassing than the two humans scent-marking each other, or whatever it was they were doing. Kaidan rubbed his forehead with the back of his wrist.

 

“I'll take your word for it, Massani.”

 

“...purrs so hard makes you think you're on one of those goddamn massage beds...” the merc said quietly, almost to himself. He took a drink.

 

Garrus nudged him, surprised at his mate's loose tongue. “Alright, Zee...”

 

The commander tried and failed to hide his laughter. Kaidan simply blinked a few times, not knowing how to respond.

 

“That's enough bragging," Garrus placed a hand on Zaeed's shoulder. "I know I'm amazing, but I don't want to make them feel bad about themselves.”

 

Kaidan was taken aback. “Well then...”

 

Garrus flared his mandibles in a smile. “I think they get the picture,” he hummed. Zaeed rolled his eyes and shook his head.

 

Shepard bit his lower lip again. “Obviously you've never had it with biotics going, if you think a massage bed is an intense sensation.”

 

Both Zaeed and Garrus looked at him with interest. Kaidan buried his face in his hand.

 

“ _John_....really?”

 

“What? You are one of the most powerful biotics known to humanity. Your level of mastery at it is almost unmatched.” He pulled the biotic to him again, resting his chin on the other man's shoulder. “And I, for one, like to reap the benefits as such.” He kissed the nape of Kaidan's neck.

 

Zaeed huffed a laugh. “Details, Shep. I'm gonna need _details_.”

 

Kaidan pulled away, ears flaming. “....I will hurt you.”

 

“Yeah, Shepard. Details or it didn't happen,” Garrus said brightly behind a drink of his whiskey. Shepard snickered.

 

“Empty threat, Alenko. I know where you sleep.”

 

Garrus and Zaeed leaned forward on the bar eagerly, waiting. Shepard took his tumbler and shuffled over to the couch, flopping on it.  

 

“Ok, so, have you seen him put up a barrier?”

 

“ _JOHN!_ ” Kaidan protested, cheeks tinged with color. The turian and the mercenary nodded.

 

“Or rather, felt what it feels like to be inside an active biotic barrier field?”

 

They glanced at each other, then shook their heads in tandem.

 

“Damn,” Shepard looked disappointed, “...kinda hard to explain. It's like, well...hmm. Sorta like having a small electric current buzzing all over. It feels nice, but it's got an edge to it, y'know? Like just a little nudge would push it into being uncomfortable...”

 

“I _really_ don't think you need to share this, Shepard,” Kaidan broke in, pleading. The other two were listening carefully to the exchange.

 

“Shut it, _K-dog_. Yes, he does need to share,” Zaeed waved a hand at the biotic to shush him. Shepard gave an amused 'hmph' at that.

 

“I'm committed at this point. It's happening,” the commander babbled, downing half of his lowball's contents. Kaidan shot him a dark look and tried to take a drink. His tumbler was empty.

 

“Have another drink, Kaidan,” Garrus said, not unkindly.

 

“Pass the bottle,” came the grumbled response.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned, you heathens...their depravity knows no bounds. ^__~


	2. Whiskey Foolishness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whiskey is flowing like fine wine. Or, you know....whiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I regret _nothing_. ~potionsmaster
> 
> I regret some things. But this story isn’t one of them. Yet. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch

_**Euphoric Neurosis**_ , by potionsmaster and ThreeWhiskeyLunch

 

Rating: M for biotic vibrations, more turian sticks/rods, more biting, less French maid costume, more revelations than you can shake a turian butt stick at, and truly sickening amounts of whiskey.

 

 **Chapter 2** : _Whiskey Foolishness_

~*~*~*~

 

Shepard heaved himself off the sofa and rubbed Kaidan's back again.

 

“You'll be fine,” he reassured his partner.  Kaidan hunched his shoulders and took a swig directly from the bottle, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Gimme some of that too, Kaidan. I've got the feeling I'm gonna need it to wipe the image of you two from my mind,” Zaeed said, clutching for the bottle.  Shepard blew a short breath out, shaking his head.

 

“There's a 'sloppy seconds' joke in there somewhere-”

 

“ _No_.  Stop.  Now,” Kaidan griped, pulling the bottle back and pouring another three fingers deep.  Shepard turned back to the grizzled mercenary.

 

“Hey, Massani!  You're the one who asked!  Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answers.”

 

Zaeed fixed his mismatched eyes on the commander, staring him down.  Shepard returned it with a fierce glare of his own.

 

“Well, now, I'm interested.  Why else ask?”  

 

Shepard huffed a laugh at that.

 

“And slightly sickened,” the merc continued, “but not enough to stop you.”  The turian busied himself with the all-important task of draining and refilling his whiskey glass. Shepard made his way back to the couch, dropping heavily on it.

 

“Anyway, you've seen how it covers him head to toe?  Fuck you for that, by the way....you should talk, with all those chew marks on your neck.”  He gestured loosely at Zaeed.

 

Garrus glanced between them. “For my part? I'm just curious. Biotics aren't the most common in turian culture...”

 

“Alright, so if you have a powerful enough biotic and they have an active barrier going, they can actually expand it to surround another person,” Shepard prattled on. Zaeed saw Kaidan trying not to stare at the scarred bite mark. He gave a throaty chuckle and pulled his collar aside.

 

“Get a good look, pansy. I'm not ashamed.”

 

Kaidan peered at it interestedly.  Shepard lolled his head against the back of the couch.

 

“I'm good.  You look like something one of Mina's dogs got a hold of.  No offense, Vakarian...”

 

Garrus held up a hand. “None taken, Shepard.”

 

Zaeed playfully cuffed Kaidan on the back of the head, laughing again.  The biotic ducked out from it, smiling ruefully.

 

“I'll take your word on it, Zaeed...it's, uh...impressive, to say the least.”

 

Shepard kept rambling.

 

“So one night we're getting into it, all hot and heavy, and I touched his amp.  Made him flare.  Now, on the field, the biotic with the barrier just expands the area and the other person moves closer, sorta like trying to get under an umbrella.  Touching makes it so that you don't have to expand the biotic field that much; it spreads to the other person. Much tighter area of effect.  So I touched the amp and he flared-”

 

The turian cocked his head to the side, sub-harmonics humming. “Cool!”

 

“Yeah, not so much, Garrus,” Kaidan interrupted behind a sip,  “It's a little embarrassing, actually.”  The turian leaned forward again.

 

“What? Does it hurt?”

 

“No!  Well....you might get a little 'zap’ at first contact, but it's well worth it,” the commander answered absentmindedly.  He completely missed who the question was directed to.  Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at his prone form on the couch, then turned back to the turian.

  

“Not exactly, Garrus. It means I lost control.  That's embarrassing.”

 

“Lost control...how exactly?”

 

“It's not a good thing, either,” he rubbed the back of his neck agitatedly, “..........think about what we were doing, Garrus; it means I wasn't concentrating enough at keeping the biotics damped.”

 

Garrus nodded.  Zaeed had his brow furrowed. His drink was almost forgotten, he was listening so intently.  Shepard sat up abruptly.

 

“Hey, _I'm_ telling the story!”

 

The other three ignored him.  Garrus shifted back and forth a bit. “So, someone touches your amp, you what? Lose control?”

 

“Uh, something like that.....I'm kinda surprised you don't remember that from the SR1, but then again you were usually down in cargo bay when Ash would try to hit it.”

 

“What did you call it, K?  ‘Involuntary stimulation reaction’ or some such nonsense?” Shepard hauled himself into a sitting position.

 

Garrus scowled. “Ash tried to hit your amp? Rude...”

 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Shepard grumbled.

 

Zaeed smirked. “Kinky, more like.”

 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” the commander said again with a cheeky wink.  The merc chuckled and winked back.

 

"'Involuntary implant reaction to stimulus', Shepard..." Kaidan broke in, exasperated.  Garrus focused on the biotic.

 

“So what does it feel like, this involuntary whatsits?” He waved a claw around in the air.

 

“Um,” Kaidan swallowed, “It depends on how it gets stimulated.  Ash would swat at it, and it would make me twitch, like a full body convulsion.  It’s a reflex.  The amp's plugged directly into my spinal cord, y'see...

 

“I could've killed her for that,” Shepard muttered.

 

Kaidan winced. “Poor choice of words, babe...”

 

Garrus grimaced behind his glass. “Oh, Shep…”

 

“Yeah. Sorry.” Shepard cringed, thoughts turning inward for a moment.

 

“This was the girl who died on Virmire?” Zaeed asked

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. “She was like a little sister. Annoying and irreplaceable.” Kaidan made his way over to sit next to Shepard on the sofa.

 

Zaeed shook his head, muttering into his glass. “Sounds goddamn annoying, at least.”

 

“She called it ‘Kaidan’s twitch switch’ and tried to hit it as much as possible because she thought it was funny.” Shepard reached out and placed a slender hand on Kaidan’s knee.

 

Kaidan looked down, thoughtfully placing his own over Shepard’s. “Yeah. I don’t even remember how she found out about it.”  He played with the commander’s fingers.

 

“Uh, she saw me checking the integrity of your amp and saw you twitch...” Shepard laughed quietly at the memory.

 

Zaeed raised his eyebrows, leaning sideways slightly into his bond mate’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, “but, see. You..you didn’t,uh-” he cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

 

Shepard smiled. “Yeah.”

 

“Yeah?” Garrus and Zaeed both said at the same time, then laughed and glanced at each other.

 

“Well, I didn’t slap at the amp. Put it that way.”

 

Kaidan’s cheeks flushed. “No. Whenever John touches it, he tends to run his fingers along it, all gentle and…”

 

Zaeed grinned, pouring himself another whiskey after refilling Garrus’. “Oh, yeah?”

 

Shepard smirked. “You remember when he burned out his amp in the middle of that merc fight and you had to rescue his ass, Garrus?”

 

The turian nodded. “I remember. That was...scary.” Shepard nodded.

 

“That’s when I figured out why he was forever asking me to check his damn amp.”

 

Garrus leaned forward, cradling his whiskey between his hands. “So, let me guess. You get some sort of...pleasurable feeling from this?”

 

Shepard snorted and kissed the top of Kaidan’s head. “...sneaky monkey…”

 

Kaidan shifted, leaning against his partner. “Uh...in certain circumstances. Not when it gets hit like Ash was doing.”

 

“He basically turns into a giant vibrator.”

 

Zaeed barked a laugh.

 

“ _John_!”

 

“So it’s like having your own turian then.”

 

“ _Zee_!”

 

“What?”

 

John barked out a laugh.. “HA! I suppose. Less bitey, though.”

 

“Too bad for you, Shep.” Zaeed walked around the bar to sit on a bar stool, followed closely by his mate. Garrus reached an arm back around him to rest half on the bar, half along the man’s shoulders.

 

Shepard watched his two friends, quirking an eyebrow, but continuing on with the story. “Anyway, so we were really getting into it and he flared. It spread all over the two of us, and he just got this look, y’know? Next thing I know, he’s pulling it back so it’s just this light, pleasant tingle all over.”

 

A wicked grin spread on Zaeed’s face.

 

“Oh, for the love of…” Kaidan buried his face in his hands, voice muffled.

 

“Well, things were, uh, progressing, as they tend to do. And he asked me how close I am-”

 

Kaidan mumbled unintelligibly.

 

“-Ya, love you too, K. I tell him I’m on the edge. So then he starts increasing it in waves, so it’s pulsing.”

 

Zaeed’s eyes were wide, eyebrows raised in surprise. Garrus grinned and nodded, encouraging Shepard to continue.

 

“...shoot me…” Kaidan muttered. “I want to die. Right now.”

 

“So this biotic...wave, I guess you would call it, just keeps going and going, until finally I can’t help it-”

 

Zaeed refilled Kaidan’s glass and leaned forward with it, pressing it to his fingers with a laugh. Kaidan took it and downed it in a long gulping swallow, eyes closed against the burn.

 

“-And that’s when he snapped it back and blew it,” Shepard continued with a smug grin. “Like how he can blow his barriers in the field to detonate singularities and shit.”

 

“Kill me...someone, please kill me.”

 

Zaeed just chuckled and clapped Kaidan on the shoulder. “Good job, son.”

 

“I swear, I couldn’t walk for at least an hour after that. My legs were complete and utter jelly after that.”

 

Zaeed and Garrus collapsed against each other with gales of laughter while Shepard pulled Kaidan onto his lap. Zaeed groaned, watching the two men, “Oh fuck.”

 

“You’re absolutely awful,” Kaidan groused, hand on the commander’s chest. Shepard kissed him lightly, nuzzling his nose in Kaidan’s hair.

 

“Now I _am_ gonna be sick,” Zaeed grumbled good naturedly.

 

“Oh, chill. Nothing’s gonna happen _here.._.I'm pretty sure, at least...”

 

Garrus’ arm wrapped fully around the man’s shoulders, “I think it’s kinda cute.”

 

Kaidan sighed and relaxed into Shepard’s arms. “Alright, Massani. Your turn.”

 

“What? Garrus is goddamn fine, but he doesn’t have biotics.”

 

“Oh, come on, Zaeed,” Shepard said. “You’re always going on about it, so why don’t you tell us about the purring?” He took a swallow of whiskey.  “Or the biting?”

 

Zaeed cast a glance at Garrus, who shrugged and sipped his drink.

 

“Whaddya wanna know? Teeth fucking hurt, I can tell you that right now.”

 

“I’m a little curious, then,” Kaidan said. “Why do it? Repeatedly at that.”

 

“Yeah,” Shepard added teasingly. “Do your pain-pleasure sensors get messed up when you’re in the midst of the throes of some weird kind of mercenary passion?”

 

“Or Garrus,” Kaidan continued, eyes glinting darkly, “do you just have an oral fixation?”  He downed another sip of his drink.

 

Zaeed glared at them, mulling over the interrogation. “For one,” he finally said, “I’m not into that pain shit. Secondly, he, uh, really likes it. And third-” he looked back over at his mate “-it’s pretty fucking hot.” He downed the generous remains in his glass, embraced the smoky burn. He turned the empty glass in his hands, thoughtful for a moment, then continued on in whiskey bravery, “There’s also this, I dunno, strange thing about, uh…” he swiped a hand over his face, mumbling under his breath.

 

“But if you’re not into ‘pain shit’-” Kaidan started, only to be interrupted by Shepard

 

“What was that, Zaeed?” His eyes narrowed, focusing in on the older mercenary.

 

Garrus grinned, nudging his mate. “Yeah, _what_ was that, Zee?” He had heard what the man said, wanted to hear him say it again.

 

Shepard rested his chin on Kaidan’s shoulder, gaze intent on the uncomfortable man.  Kaidan smirked at the merc.  Zaeed debated for a moment, then muttered, “Ah fuck it.” He looked Shepard in the eye. “There’s something goddamn intense about having someone...er...claim you.”

 

Shepard grinned and leaned back in satisfaction. “There it is...”

 

Zaeed refilled his glass. “Fuck off, Shep.”

 

Kaidan lightly swatted Shepard on the chest. “Be nice. Especially since you think similarly.”

 

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. “Never said I didn’t.” He grasped his partner’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

 

Garrus laughed, tightening his arm around Zaeed’s shoulders.

 

“Well, what’s a wedding ring, or a bracelet, or whatever it is your culture tells you is okay for you to mark your mate?” Zaeed’s voice turned rough, “This is no different. Except for maybe the pain bit.”

 

“I think it’s sweet,” Kaidan said, leaning into Shepard’s warmth.

 

John’s hand rubbed Kaidan’s shoulders briefly. “Massani, I didn’t think you had it in you.” He raised his glass to his two friends, “But I’m glad you two found each other.”

 

Zaeed colored slightly, but raised his glass back. He felt Garrus’ carapace vibrate slightly as he purred. “Me too,” Garrus said.

 

“So. Do you bite him back?” Shepard asked. “How does that work?”

 

Zaeed flashed his teeth. “These things look like they could puncture plates? I have enough fake shit in my head. Don’t need dentures too.”

 

Shepard laughed at Zaeed. “I’ll get you a can opener for Christmas, Massani.”

 

“He does have his ways though,” Garrus said with a pleased grin.

 

“Do tell, Vakarian,” Kaidan took a sip of whiskey, raising an expectant eyebrow.

 

“Well, for one, he stole my heart-”

 

Zaeed rolled his eyes, “Oh, Christ.”

 

“And your virtue, by the sounds of it,” Shepard snorted.

 

Kaidan nudged him with his elbow, “John…” The commander winked cheekily back at him.

 

Zaeed reached over and punched Shepard lightly on the shoulder. “Sorry to tell you that was _long_ gone by the time I came along.”

 

Kaidan lifted his refilled whiskey over his head. “Hey! No fist fights while I’m using him as a chair! Don’t want to spill my drink!”

 

“Apologies, Kaidan,” Zaeed said.

 

Garrus leaned over Zaeed, stage whispering to Shepard, “He likes to snuggle.”

 

“Oh Jesus, Garrus-”

 

“I knew he was a giant teddy bear!” Shepard whispered back, delighted at the revelation.

 

Garrus ignored Zaeed’s pained groan. “Snuggle bunny.”

 

“Jesusfucking-”

 

Kaidan slid off Shepard’s lap to seat himself back on the sofa. “Okay….” He waved at his partner. “Have at ‘im, Zaeed.”

 

The merc smacked Shepard hard in the chest, then turned and pointed at his mate. “You’re dead.”

 

Despite the forceful hit his chest had just taken, the grin on Shepard’s face refused to budge.

 

Zaeed waved his hand exasperatedly around the room. “I have to fucking kill all of you now since I don’t know how to do a memory wipe.”

 

Shepard smirked. “Like to see you try, old man. You’d only be taking on three of the supreme warriors who saved the galaxy.”

 

“Always so modest,” Kaidan shook his head.

 

“Not to mention Spectres…” the commander continued.

 

“I’d rather die trying,” Zaeed said.

 

Garrus grinned, obviously far too pleased with himself. He dipped his head to rest on Zaeed’s shoulder, sighing a boozy sigh.

 

Zaeed eyed the bottle of dextro whiskey, noting it was about a third gone. Still, he shrugged his shoulder in a fruitless attempt to get him to move. “Don’t you pull that shit. Get your crest off me.”

 

Shepard snorted into his glass, “Oh, you got burned, Vakarian.”

 

Garrus laughed, subvocals trilling. He left his head where it was, voice muffled as he spoke into Zaeed’s shoulder. “So worth it.”

 

“I’m sorta in Massani’s camp, John...I still need to decide what I’m going to do with you and your verbal diarrhea.”

 

Shepard waggled his eyebrows. “Curse me out in French?” he asked hopefully.

 

“Denial of sexual benefits, if you were me,” Zaeed said, finally managing to shrug Garrus off. He glared at his mate.

 

Kaidan looked at Shepard, obviously giving the idea some consideration. “Yeah, but he’s used to dry spells. Life of a soldier and all. I’m thinking more along the lines of revving the engine, then letting it idle.” He smirked at Shepard.

 

“You’re an evil distraction,” Shepard whispered loudly.

 

Zaeed nodded. “The old blue balls treatment.” He looked pointedly at Garrus. “Could work.”

 

“My balls are already blue, Zee.”

 

Kaidan sputtered, nearly spitting is sip of whiskey across the room.

 

Shepard burst out laughing, falling across the biotic’s lap. “TMI, Vakarian! TMI…”

 

Garrus looked over at his friend innocently. “What? They _are_. Blue blood, remember?”

 

“Not that anyone’d know,” Zaeed grumbled. “Can’t even see the fuckers...”

 

“So what color does it turn when you-” Kaidan smacked him on the back of the head, stopping his train of thought. “Ow! Hey…”

 

“You’re incorrigible.”

 

Garrus shook his head. “It’s called the extranet. Go look it up for yourself if you’re so curious about turian anatomy.”

 

Shepard rubbed the back of his head as he sat up. “Naw. I’m good. Porn’s not my thing.”

 

Garrus and Zaeed shared a look, Garrus silently begging with an attempt at pitiful eyes. Zaeed shook his head firmly.

 

“Yeah, it’s not really…” Kaidan’s voice died off as he watched the other couple. “What’s going on with you two?”

 

“Nothing,” Zaeed snapped.

 

Garrus sighed. “Nothing.”

 

“If I can’t have my partner sit in my lap, you two can’t eye-fuck each other,” Shepard griped. “Or whatever it is you’re doing.”

 

“Fine,” Zaeed said. He waved at Kaidan as if to indicate he should have at Shepard’s lap.

 

“...nothing, huh?” Kaidan said, thoughtful.

 

“We’re not eye-fucking,” Garrus said.

 

Kaidan scoffed. “You really expect us to buy that?”

 

“Yes,” Zaeed said. He pointed at Garrus. “Shut up, you.”

 

Shepard spread his arms wide. “Garrus! Buddy! We’ve been friends a long time-”

 

Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at his partner. “Smooth, John.”

 

“-and there are things friends just don’t ever need to fucking know.” Zaeed interrupted. Garrus sighed again, mandibles drooping in what might have been a pout.

 

Kaidan gave the merc a dubious look. “You’ve already heard how I apparently turn into a giant vibrator.”

 

“And I haven’t even gotten to your tattoo, Kaid- _uhnf_ -” Shepard grunted from the force of Kaidan’s elbow digging into his ribs. “Drives me up the wall…” He grinned at Kaidan.

 

“Ink is goddamn sexy,” Zaeed said.

 

“Agreed,” Garrus said, eyeing the tattoos that swirled around Zaeed’s arms. Zaeed winked at him.

 

Kaidan fixed Shepard with a look, then turned and gave the same look to Zaeed. “Don’t encourage him.”

 

“I want him to get another one. But he refuses,”the commander lamented.

 

“I find the subject you want tasteless.” Kaidan was barely able to keep the prim disapproval from his tone.

 

“You could choose the color, though! _And_ the script!”

 

Zaeed leaned forward, “Oh?”

 

“What are we talking here?” Garrus asked. “A heart with Shepard written in it?”

 

“ _En_.   _Oh_ ,” Kaidan shuddered in disgust. Shepard chuckled.

 

“Not quite. Though it’s roughly the same idea.”

 

“'Not quite'? What then?”

 

“What is this, embarrass Alenko night?” Kaidan grumbled, refilling his whiskey.

 

“Works for me,” Shepard said with a grin.

 

“Yes,” Zaeed said.

 

“Yes!” Garrus said.

 

“So, what?” Zaeed asked. “Bumble bee? Winnie the Pooh? Tramp stamp? ‘Love’ in an infinity symbol?”

 

“Penis tattoo?” Garrus ducked away from Zaeed’s swat.

 

Shepard sat up a little, watching them. “ _Penis_ tattoo…?”

 

“Uh,” Garrus looked sideways at his mate, “...if there were such a thing. Which I’m sure there’s not.” Zaeed stared at him, baffled at his loose lips.

 

Kaidan’s ears had flushed at Zaeed’s mention of ‘tramp stamp’; he was hoping against hope the conversation would turn to other topics. Even penis tattoos.

 

Shepard kept an eye on Zaeed and Garrus. “Hm…”

 

Zaeed, however, stared Kaidan down and he felt himself deflate a little under the mismatched eyes’ glare. “He, uh, wants me to get…”

 

Garrus trilled, seeing Kaidan’s flush. “Hm…?”

 

“In my defense, you can get really nice script,” Shepard said, turning his attention back to his partner.

 

Garrus sighed, a bit exasperated at the run around conversation. “Of what?”

 

“You could even get it in Elvish script, since I know how much you love the elves in Lord of the Rings, Kaidan.”

 

“No.”

 

Zaeed smirked over the edge of his glass. “‘One ring to bind them all’ and all that, Kaidan?”

 

“We’ll bring it to a vote,” Shepard announced.

 

Kaidan shook his head at Zaeed. “...oh, how I wish that was what it was. But no.”

 

“It’s just as sentimental,” Shepard said.

 

“...no.”

 

“Bring it to a vote, then.”

 

“Aye!” Zaeed said quickly.

 

“Aye, whatever it is.” Garrus agreed.

 

Kaidan heaved a sigh and muttered quickly, “.... _Shepardwashere_ …” Shepard smirked in satisfaction, arms folded behind his head.

 

Garrus leaned forward, cupping his hand around his aural canal. “What was that, Alenko? I couldn’t quite hear that.”

 

“Aw, c’mon. Don’t make me say it again...”

 

“Alright, I will,” Shepard said. “It’s just three little words, after all.”

 

“Loud and proud, Kaidan,” Zaeed grinned at the Spectre.

 

“‘Shepard was here.’ Right above his dimples.”

 

“I will kill you, John...” Kaidan’s face turned a brilliant shade of red.

 

“Those sexy, _sexy_ dimples.”

 

Zaeed chuckled, saw his mate looking thoughtfully at him. He groaned inwardly, knowing Garrus’ fondness for his own dimples. He shook his head, cutting down the idea. No bloody way in hell. Garrus shrugged, mandibles spreading in a grin.

 

“Perfect complement to your lotus, Kaid. And you know how much I love that one.”

 

“Maybe we need to see this lotus to judge properly,” Zaeed said. “Informed decision you know.”

 

“No!” Kaidan yelped.

 

Shepard edged closer to Kaidan. “I’m going to have to side with K on this one, Massani. Private property and all.”

 

“I’ve seen it,” Garrus said. “Bits of it anyway. In the showers. It’s cute.”

 

Kaidan shot a furious look at the turian. “Stop helping.”

 

Garrus held up a hand, “Sorry, but it is.”

 

“Aw, leave him alone, K. He’s just telling it like it is.”

 

“I’m a goddamn old man,” Zaeed sighed. “I’ve seen it all. Come on…”

 

Shepard shrugged. “If you want to show it, Kaid, it’s up to you.” Kaidan huffed and stared at Shepard. “Two out of three of us here have already seen it…”

 

“Aw, you’re a bunch of pansy asses. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Zaeed set his glass on the bar with a definitive bang and stood, wavering slightly from the alcohol. Whiskey bravery having turned quickly to whiskey foolishness, he unzipped his fly, pulling down both trousers and black boxers just enough to reveal his flame-tattooed penis. “See there, that’s a tattoo, ya little-”

 

“Spirits! Zaeed!” Garrus pulled him back down to his bar stool, both amused and appalled at his mate’s audacity. Zaeed chuckled wickedly and zipped back up, picking up his glass and taking a sip.

 

“...Well then…” Shepard, for once, was at a loss for words. He glanced at Kaidan, who was staring at Zaeed, eyebrows arched so high they were nearly off his forehead. Garrus covered his face with his hands, body shaking as he laughed.

 

“I guess…I’ll have to reciprocate.” Kaidan offered his empty glass to Zaeed who filled it with another couple fingers of whiskey. He downed it in one go.

 

“Massani,” Shepard said finally, getting his words back, “I’m shocked and not surprised all at once.”

 

Zaeed raised his glass, “Thanks, Shep.” Shepard nodded and toasted him back.

 

Kaidan huffed. “Okay, here goes…” He stood, unzipping his pants and tucked his thumbs in the waistband of his underwear, pulling them down to show a purple lotus and the three petals falling down that were nestled in the hollow of his left hip.  He tried to keep the front of himself as covered as possible, but wasn’t having much luck.

 

Shepard gave an appreciative wolf whistle. “Oo, freshly manscaped, too. You guys are in luck.”

 

Zaeed quirked an eyebrow. “Very nice, K-dog.”

 

Kaidan scowled. “Shepard!” then rounded on Zaeed, narrowing his eyes at him. “Thanks...I think…”

 

The merc raised his glass to Kaidan as well. “Here’s to manscaping.”

 

“Here, here.” Garrus seconded the toast, ice clinking in his glass as he waved it at Kaidan.

 

“I’m proud of you Kaid,” Shepard rounded out the group, raising his glass to his embarrassed partner, ‘That took guts.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah...”

 

Shepard set his glass aside and stood, possessive hands on Kaidan’s hips. “But let’s get you tucked back in, huh?”

 

Kaidan zipped back up, grumbling. “You’re still terrible.”

 

“Still stuck with me, though.” Shepard kissed the tip of Kaidan’s nose.

 

Garrus grinned and nudged his mate. “Aw look, Zee. So sweet...”

 

Zaeed leaned closer, snuggled in the warmth that was Garrus. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I see.”

 

Shepard pulled Kaidan into a hug and flipped the turian off behind Kaidan’s back. “Bite me, Garrus.”

 

“Don’t you mean, ‘Bite Zaeed’?” Kaidan mumbled blearily into his shoulder.

 

Garrus grinned. “He will soon enough,” Zaeed said, now beyond whiskey foolishness into whiskey anything goes. He kissed Garrus on his mandible in a very unusual display of public affection.

 

“Now who’s being ‘sweet’?” Shepard laughed.

 

Kaidan buried his face in the commander’s shoulder, feeling the affects of the alcohol. “My head feels swimmy.”

 

Garrus sighed and leaned on Zaeed. “Mine too. But I think it’s a reaction to seeing Zee drop his trousers in public.”

 

Shepard surveyed the damage before him, whiskey bottles and empty glasses strewn across the bar and end tables. “Well, you did almost singlehandedly drink half an entire bottle of whiskey.”

 

Kaidan chuckled, turning to Garrus. “That so, Vakarian?”

 

Garrus nodded. “Feel a bit lightheaded, actually. Might need to be carried home…” He flared his mandibles at Zaeed, who scoffed.

 

“Fat chance, love.”

 

Shepard tucked his hands in Kaidan’s back pockets, swaying slightly as the room tilted. “Need us to call you guys a cab? Or do you want to bunk here for the night?”

 

Zaeed had taken in the sight of the whiskey destruction as well, noting Garrus’ drooping eyes and his own inebriation. “If you don’t mind, maybe we’ll borrow a bed. Tough guy here looks like he’s been hit by the goddamn sleepy fairy.”

 

“Works for me,” Shepard nodded towards the bedroom on the lower level beyond the kitchen. “Just, you know...keep the noise level to a dull roar.”

 

“Think we can manage that, Shep. Thanks. You got earplugs? You know. In case you boys decide to go at it like goddamn rabbits?”

 

“Heh…” Kaidan chuckled softly, leaning heavily on his partner to stay upright.

 

“I would think you wouldn’t be able to hear over Vakarian purring,” Shepard teased. “And besides, that’s what gags are for.”

 

Kaidan gave him a firm swat. “Don’t make me use stasis on you.”

 

The merc pulled a sloshy Garrus up from his seat. “No,” Garrus said drunkenly, “gags are for-”

 

Zaeed covered the turian’s mouth with a firm hand. “I think we’ve had enough sharing for the night, love.”

 

Kaidan leaned close to Garrus, whispering in his ear. “Oh? What are they for?”

 

Garrus grinned, whispering loudly back, “Gags are for biting when you’re being bitten.”

 

Zaeed groaned. “...Aaand we’re done.”

 

Kaidan grinned back at Garrus. “Might have to give the whole biting thing a try.”

 

“Yep,” Shepard said, pulling Kaidan towards the stairs. “We’re done.”

 

“Completely worth it,” Zaeed acquiesced quietly under his breath.

 

“I heard that!” Shepard said, tugging the biotic behind him.

 

Kaidan laughed. “I’ll let you know how it turns out, Vakarian.”

 

“If you need pointers-” Garrus offered helpfully.

 

“ _No biting_!” Shepard insisted. “I like not being a chew toy.”

 

Zaeed shrugged as well as he could, given he had Garrus draped like a dead varren around his shoulders. “Suit yourself. Pansy ass.”

 

“‘Pansy ass’ my ass, Massani. Sex is for pleasure, not inflicting more pain.” Shepard shuddered. “I’ve had enough of that for two lifetimes.”

 

Kaidan embraced him, kissing his neck. “Relax, John. Come to bed.”

 

Zaeed adjusted his hold on Garrus. “Yeah, sorry, Shep. No offense meant. C’mon, love. Let’s get you to bed.” He guided his mate towards the bedroom, steps faltering from both their drunkenness.

 

“I’m sure I can find some way to entertain you,” Kaidan said, unleashing a biotic flare in his hand.

 

Shepard blushed. “I’m sure you can.”

 

“Not here though...” Kaidan whispered, burying his face in the commander’s shoulder.

 

“No,” Shepard whispered back, sliding his nose over Kaidan’s jaw.

 

Garrus glanced back over his shoulder, sending Zaeed off kilter. “Oh wait, I wanna seeeee this-”

 

“No.” Zaeed tugged him back on course, determination in his step.

 

Kaidan led Shepard gently up the stairs, calling out over his shoulder, “G’night, gentlemen.”

 

“Yeah, have a good night, gentlemen,” Shepard echoed, albeit a little distractedly.

 

“Night!” Garrus called. Zaeed averted his face from the turian’s boozy breath.

 

“Night, John-boy. Night, K-dog!”

 

“I hate that nickname,” Kaidan grumbled as they stumbled upstairs.

 

Zaeed closed the bedroom behind them. “I hope their bed doesn’t squeak,” Garrus whispered in his ear.

  
“I hope our bed doesn’t squeak,” Zaeed said, guiding his mate through the darkened room to the bed. “Cause you seriously have been eye-fucking me all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm....we wonder what could possible come next. *whistles innocently* c.c


	3. Whiskey Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a game of Parcheesi; what else is there to say? Kaidan and Garrus fight over who's 'blue'. Shep is red and Zaeed is yellow (fucking 'duh'). Nobody wants to be green.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um....heh. I gots nothin'. When does that ever happen? ~potionsmaster
> 
> I suspect this is when I start to ponder adding to my regrets…~ThreeWhiskeyLunch
> 
> .........I still regret nothing. For the record. ~potionsmaster
> 
> Heh. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch

_**Euphoric Neurosis** _ , by potionsmaster and ThreeWhiskeyLunch

 

Rating: M.  For a game of Parcheesi.  It's intense, so we're told...

 

 **Chapter 3** : _Whiskey Richard_

 

~*~*~*~

 

Shepard pushed Kaidan drunkenly against the wall, pressing his thigh between his partner's as they kissed.  The biotic huffed from the impact, moaning.  Their hands were making quick work of shedding their shirts.  The blue Alliance hoodie Shepard had been wearing was thrown haphazardly on the floor.  

 

“So are you.... _mmmph, Kaid_ .....going to make- _uuuuh!_ -good on your threat?”

 

Kaidan nipped at Shepard's bottom lip, humming.  The commander braced his arms on either side of Kaidan's head on the wall, kissing his way up his neck.

 

“Don't know what you're talking about, John...”

 

“Can you please say it in French?” he mumbled between kisses, breath hot against Kaidan's pulse.  He rolled his hips against his partner’s.

 

“ _Je ne sais pas de quoi tu parle, Jean...Je ne ferais jamais cela à tu.”_ [1]

 

Shepard groaned and thrust himself against Kaidan again as the words ghosted across his ear, voice like smoke.  His chest heaved against his partner's.

 

“ _God_ , you're so sexy when you-”

 

“ _Tais-toi et baise-moi!_ ” [2]  

 

“Heh...I actually know that one…” he smiled, shuddering in pleasure.  He slid his cheek against Kaidan’s.

 

“Oh, really?” came the playful response, “Then why aren't you doing it?”

 

Shepard rubbed the tip of their noses together, tongue darting out to taste Kaidan's lips.  He tasted whiskey.

 

“Maybe because I like pissing you off.”

 

Kaidan rolled his eyes and shoved the commander's shoulders halfheartedly.  

 

“Flattery will get you everywhere in life,” he grumbled as Shepard collapsed against him, leaning his full weight on him.  He chuckled against Kaidan’s neck. The biotic slid his hands beneath the waist of Shepard’s jeans, playing with the band of his boxer-briefs.  

 

“I’m right where I want to be, Kaidan,” Shepard murmured.  He wrapped his arms around his partner, pulling him off the wall and towards their bed.  Kaidan complied, stumbling a bit over their kicked-off footwear.  

 

“I guess flattery worked,” he replied softly, pushing the commander onto the bed.  Shepard sprawled backwards, unbuttoning his pants.  Kaidan cocked his head to the side, considering his partner; the commander had peeled back the sides of the zipper and was cupping himself through his underwear, smirking.  Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at him, slipping his own pants off and crawling up his partner.

 

“Only with you, K.”

 

Their lips met.  Kaidan teasingly slid his own hand over Shepard’s, wrapping both around the hard length.  The commander groaned, hips rising up to meet Kaidan’s.

 

“ _J’aime bien quand tu-_ ” [3]

 

Shepard shook his head once, brows furrowed.  Kaidan blinked at him.

 

“Sorry, K…”

 

“Alright?”

 

“Uh, yeah...Continue.  Please…”

 

“Hmm…”  Kaidan gave him a suspicious look as he rolled to the side. “Something the matter? You did have quite a bit…”

 

Shepard shook his head, “No. Not...really, it’s just…” he blew out a short breath, rubbing his buzzed hair with one hand in frustration. “You made this strange sound, like... _singing_ , almost.”

 

Kaidan leaned up over him on one elbow, brow furrowed in concern. “ _Singing_? No. I wasn’t singing...”

 

Shepard studied his partner, doubt on his face for a moment. He shook his head and huffed a nervous laugh. “If you say so, K. Never mind. I’m hearing things.” His gaze lingered over Kaidan’s features, settling on his lips. “Proceed, _Major-Spectre_ …” His voice dropped, putting heat behind it.

 

Kaidan snorted as he leaned in close, breath warm on Shepard’s lips for a moment. He licked his own before pressing them to Shepard’s; he slid his fingertips down the commander’s taut stomach, playing with the soft trail of hair disappearing in his-

 

“Okay, you did it again.” Shepard impatiently broke off the kiss, pushing Kaidan away slightly. “What the hell _is_ that?”

 

“What the hell is what? I was kissing you. I might have _moaned_ , but...”

 

Shepard shook his head. “No, I know what you sound like when you moan. This was different.”

 

“You’re having auditory hallucinations. I think we should make sure you didn’t drink any of Garrus’ _Rebel Reserve_ …”

 

“I didn’t-wait, there it is again.” He sat up slowly. “And unless you’ve suddenly mastered the art of ventriloquism, it’s not you.”

 

“Well, I _told_ you. So what do you hear? I don’t hear anything. Not anything unusual, anyway.”

 

Shepard studied him for a moment. “You’re serious...you didn’t just hear that? It’s like...all these _tones_ ...mixed up a little...and…” he searched for the words to describe the peculiar noises, waving his hand in the air. “Sort of off-key acapella...started out low, but it’s getting higher. And _louder_. I can’t believe you don’t hear that.”

 

“Maybe it’s something outside. On the strip?”

 

Shepard stood, making his way towards the bedroom door.  He tripped slightly as his jeans slid down his legs.  Kaidan dribbled off the bed, stumbling after him.

 

“ _Motherfucker_...” he grumbled, kicking them off, “I don’t think so. It sounds kind of...sexy, though...huh.”

 

“ _Sexy_?”

 

“Yeah, like-”

 

“ _Yes_ , Zee... _harder_ …” Garrus’ voice echoed through the apartment. “...just like _that…_ ”

 

Both men stopped in their tracks.  Shepard’s eyebrows were arched in disbelief.  Kaidan burst into laughter, covering his face with his hands.

 

“Are you _hearing_ this, K?”

 

The biotic removed his hands and stopped laughing; he rolled his lips inward, eyes twinkling in amusement. His shoulders shook from repressed laughter.

 

“I am now,” he snickered, “Oh. _MY_ god...”

 

Shepard shook his head as he made his way to their closet, pulling out a pair of pajama pants and putting them on quickly.  Kaidan followed suit, tossing the blue hoodie on over his bare chest. The commander snuck out onto the landing, motioning the biotic to follow.  He crouched, rolling his footsteps so he didn’t make any noise.

 

“ _We_ didn’t sound like that, did we?” he whispered.  

 

Kaidan goosed him as padded past his partner, not bothering to be stealthy.

 

“I don’t think I sound like a yowling cat in a blender, and I know for a fact that _you_ don’t.  So, no.”

 

Shepard stood up and made a face at Kaidan’s back as he followed him down the stairs.  

 

“Tell me what you really think, K...geez.”  

 

The biotic shot a sarcastic smirk over his shoulder at his partner.  Shepard caught up to him on the landing, pressing himself against the other man’s back and kissing the nape of his neck.  Kaidan arched his back, pushing his rear into the commander’s groin.  He felt warm, rough hands slide under the hoodie and up his stomach.

 

“I think I’m wondering why we’re going downstairs, exactly... _especially_ if you’re going to continue doing that.”

 

Shepard playfully growled in his ear, tweaking a nipple. Kaidan twitched, surprised.  The younger man let go, hand trailing on the biotic’s hip.  

 

“I figured Zaeed might need a little help,” he tossed over his shoulder as he clomped down the stairs.  There was a constant keening coming from the ground floor guestroom.  Kaidan felt his cheeks grow hot.  A more recognizably human sound was a low, rumbling counterpoint.  The biotic hurried after Shepard, following him to the kitchen.  He found the commander rifling through the drawers.

 

“Do I even want to know?” Kaidan said, crossing his arms as he leaned against the counter top.  Shepard moved to another drawer.

 

“Christmas will come early for him this year,” he crowed, holding up a can opener.  He started doing an exaggerated tip-toe down the hall towards the guest bedroom.

 

“... _fucking sexy Turian…yeah!  C’mon, now…”_

 

“Wha-John!   _No_ …” the biotic groaned, pushing himself away from the counter and following the other man.  Shepard gleefully placed the can opener on the floor, directly in the path of the closed door.  Kaidan saw him about to knock and grabbed his fist, spinning him around.  Shepard was pulled off-balance as he twirled on the spot, crashing into the biotic.  Kaidan grabbed him, arms wrapping around his shirtless torso.  

 

“Hey there, Major…” Shepard said seductively, hooking his thumbs in Kaidan’s pajama bottoms and dragging it down.  He leaned forward for a kiss.  The biotic huffed a small laugh and started trying to drag him away from the guest bedroom door.  Rhythmic thumping was reverberating on the walls.  

 

“You’re incorrigible,” he said before briefly touching lips, “Come back to bed.  I’ll make it worth your while.”

 

Shepard put his hands on Kaidan’s buttocks, fingers digging into the dense muscle.

 

“I got a better idea, K...jump up.”

 

“What?”  He gave the commander a questioning look, arms resting on his shoulders.  Shepard tugged at his rear, grinding his hard-on against Kaidan’s groin.

 

“Jump up and wrap your legs around me.  I’ll carry you…”

 

He was licking and kissing his way up Kaidan’s neck to the ticklish spot behind his ear.  Kaidan leaned into Shepard’s attentions, fuzziness from the drinking earlier tonight was making it hard for him not to laugh at the sensation.

 

The noises coming from behind the bedroom door became more passionate, feeding into their own urges. Garrus’ keening echoed throughout the cavernous apartment, along with the low rumblings of Zaeed encouraging him on. The bed was repeatedly being knocked on the wall faster and harder and Shepard had the brief thought that the neighbors would be complaining any moment. Garrus was obviously so very nearly _there_ , and then he most _definitely_ was there, incredibly loud as he found his release.

 

“There’s no way in hell you are carrying me up the stairs- _JOHN_!” the biotic yelped, clinging to the commander.  Shepard had lifted him bodily with a grunt, crashing their lips together with a groan.  He wrapped his long legs around his partner, glancing backwards over his shoulder in between desperate kisses.  Shepard started to walk down the hall, chased by the sound of Zaeed’s groans as he followed after his mate in what sounded like a highly satisfying manner.  Kaidan felt himself responding to the proximity of his groin against the commander’s muscular stomach, heat pooling in his own and lower again.

 

“ _Fuck…me…_ ” Shepard breathed in his ear, moaning softly, “...can’t wait until we get upstairs.”  He went past the stairwell and back into the kitchen, depositing Kaidan on the countertop. The commander dragged him to the edge, rutting against his partner as he pushed the hoodie off Kaidan’s shoulders.  Kaidan lightly slapped Shepard’s back.

 

“What the hell, Shepard? _Now_?! Right here?” came the indignant and breathless response.  Shepard licked a line up Kaidan’s exposed chest.

 

“Hell yeah, _now_ ...Gotta have you, K...just gotta be- _uuuunf_ -quick about it…”

 

“They could hear us...” Kaidan took a shuddering breath, locking his legs around his partner and rolling his hips to meet Shepard’s.

 

“Unlikely, with the ruckus they’re... _oh, god_ ... making...I’ll bet we’ll get some- _mmmmph_ -complaints from the neighbors about it.”

 

“Then they could... _ohhhh, John_...walk in on us.”  

 

He tipped his head back, losing himself to the sensations.  Shepard grinned against his neck, nuzzling it.

 

“That’s what makes it so _hot_ , Kaid…”

 

Kaidan stopped moving reluctantly, drawing away from his partner.  He ran a hand down the rippling planes of Shepard’s chest and stomach, fingering the drawstring of the pajamas.

 

“Sorry, John...I’m not quite the exhibitionist you are…”

 

“But I _need_ you…right now...” Shepard whispered, tugging at the pajama bottoms.  Kaidan could feel the dampness from both of their erections soaking into their pjs.  He groaned; his body was traitorously agreeing with the commander.  Shepard furrowed his brow, touching their foreheads together.

 

“ _Please_ …”

 

“You’re so cute when you pout, John...you can ‘need’ me just as much upstairs, in the bedroom.  Where the, uh...lube is…”  

 

He captured Shepard’s lips with a deep kiss.  The commander took control of it, tongue swirling over his own, teasing and giving all at once.  He felt fire start racing in his veins and knew he wouldn’t be able to resist much longer.  

 

“ _Please_ , Kaid….need you so bad…”

 

“Upstairs.  Now…”

 

Shepard moaned in his ear, hips moving constantly against his partner’s groin.  He pulled Kaidan’s hand to his length, wrapping both of their hands around it.  He sucked on the biotic’s collarbone as his own moisture was slicked down his rigid heat.

 

“Don’t think… _fuuuuuck_ …think I’ll…last that long... _Kaaaiidan_ …”

 

Kaidan pulled back a little, cupping Shepard’s face with his other hand.  

 

“Still need the lube, babe.”

 

The commander exhaled noisily through his nose as he glanced down at their joined hands still gliding along himself.  

 

“Somehow I- _ahhhh, god_ -don’t think… _uuuunf_...that’ll be a fuckin’ problem, K…”

 

"Hold up... _what_ the-"

 

Kaidan pulled Shepard to him abruptly with his legs, locking his feet together around his waist as he peered into the murky hall, sensing motion.  His hand dropped from the commander’s cheek and blue energy crackled around them, biotics flaring to life.  Shepard gasped at the sharp prickle as the cerulean aura licked along his skin, burying his face in Kaidan’s neck.  He stole a glance at his partner’s strong face and was surprised to see him extraordinarily pissed off, biotic charge of some sort ready and waiting in his hand; he was staring daggers down the hallway.  Kaidan had thrown up a barrier and expanded it to include him.  He didn’t think it was for fun purposes, though.  Especially when he heard an amused gravelly voice call out.  

 

“Evenin’, gentlemen…”

 

Garrus and Zaeed appeared like ghosts in the night, pistols pointed and cocked at them.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops…looks like a plot sorta developed. When did that happen??
> 
>  _Glossary_ :
> 
> [1] 'I don't know what you're talking about, John....I would never do that to you.'
> 
> [2] 'Shut up and kiss me.'
> 
> [3] ‘I like it when you-’


	4. Whiskey Tomfoolery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It must be said that Garrus lost the fight to be 'blue' in Parcheesi, but him and Zaeed teamed up together to come up with the best blocking strategy ever...guns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fans self* Whoosh...did somebody turn up the plot? Hot damn....~potionsmaster
> 
> Someone stole my dog’s chew toy…~ThreeWhiskeyLunch
> 
> Wasn’t me...Ask Vakarian; he might know. Was it named ‘Massani’ perchance…? ~potionsmaster
> 
> He’s...kinda busy right now. _I’m_ not going in there. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch

_**Euphoric Neurosis** _ , by potionsmaster and ThreeWhiskeyLunch

 

Rating: M for wayward can openers

 

  
**Chapter 4** : _Whiskey Tomfoolery_

~*~*~*~

 

Garrus unconsciously dug his toe claws into the bed, fisting the sheets underneath him. Zaeed’s teeth were clamped onto his throat in drunken bravado. The man had been too intrigued, had thought about it too hard as the evening had progressed, even more so as he’d led Garrus away from Shepard and Kaidan to the guest bedroom. He’d insisted on finding the spot where he’d most likely be able to grab hold and maybe, perhaps break through in some respect. Or at least leave a respectable hickey.

 

At first, he’d broken off and complained of the similarities in chewing rawhide, his words slurring slightly. But he’d persevered, grabbing on again, and Garrus had a felt a twinge, more than a twinge, a primal urge as he’d continued and Zaeed’s teeth began to rub the spot raw. It was a vulnerable place underneath his mandible at the back of his jawline. Just to the side of his jugular vein.

 

His heart sped, pulse racing at what Zaeed was actually achieving. He had the brief thought that Zaeed might actually manage this, might actually mark him. And even if it was just in some small way barely visible and most likely prone to fading, he honestly only cared that _Zaeed was marking him._

 

“Yes…”  he whispered, feeling Zaeed’s fingers clasping his shoulders, holding him down, his naked body fully laid out over his. He caught the scent of whiskey on his breath, and his sweat, and his desire. He arched his head further, trying to enable a better angle, giving his mate access to his weakness. “You can...harder. It’s okay to…”

 

Zaeed chuckled as much as he was able with his mouth full of hide, and bit down more. Garrus’ hips bucked up into the man as a surge of longing and need hit him, a shockwave that ended directly at the tip of his cock, his plates parting in one quick movement. He felt the smooth skin of Zaeed’s leg, quickly slickened by the lubrication of his still retracted penis. The man gave a groan, feeling the plates part beneath him, rubbing a small amount of friction over the tip of his dick and Garrus could feel the answering arousal when Zaeed began to harden further against his leg. The man’s fingers tightened, huffs of breath warming his jaw.

 

His toes curled and he became aware that his subvocals were trilling, low and long and very nearly out of his control to stop. “ Please, Zee. Just…” _keep going, like this, forever…_ “I want-”

 

There was a shift above him and a hand moved lower down his body, down to his parted plates, slicking through his juices, a flattened hand sliding past his tip and then he was out in a rush, exhaling a desperate moan. “ _Yes_ , Zee. _Harder_ ...just like _that…_ ” Too late did he realize he’d nearly shouted that. But...fuck it. _His mate was marking him._ In this moment he was shameless in his need for anyone else to know it. Even if they were fellow Spectres. His former Commander. His former squad mate. Given the chance, he’d stand at the top of the Presidium and shout it. _Zaeed is marking me!_ The man’s jaw most certainly had to be aching by now, clamped down as hard as it was, but he wasn’t letting up; in fact, he was tightening the bite, obviously attempting to draw blood by grinding down with his blunt teeth.

 

The room swam briefly in his whiskey-induced delirium. Or maybe it was Zaeed’s fingers finding his entrance, slicking him inside and out with his own lubrication. His mate was _hard_ on his thigh, that flame-tattooed penis he was so delightful shy and belligerently proud of pressed up tight between them. Then that slicked hand was lifting his thigh, shifting his leg up and over Zaeed’s shoulder and-

 

“Ah- _Yes_!”

 

-it was everything. Zaeed was marking him and fucking him, his other hand now cupping the back of his neck, pressing his hide more firmly against those teeth. He felt the man’s sweat drip down as he gasped, moving his hips slowly, finding a rhythm they both liked. But who was he kidding. In that moment, he would have liked whatever the man did.

 

His mate broke off his grip, moving over him and he could see in the dim light the small amount of blue blood that tinged his lips. Zaeed’s tongue licked his lips as he grinned; a very wickedly sexy grin at that. “You drew blood?” He didn’t hide the excitement in his voice, or his pride. His cock twitched, so hard between them at just the thought. He trilled high in his subvocals and the man cut him off with a kiss, tongue swiping over his plates and then in his mouth so that he tasted himself. His own blood.

 

Zaeed picked up his pace, thrusting forcefully enough that the bed frame was hitting the wall. “... _fucking sexy Turian….yeah...C’mon, now…”_ Any thought of making this last longer, taking their time was chased away by his mate’s loud growl. He was obviously just as turned on as Garrus, passion driving him harder and harder until Garrus was keening, subvocals trilling a steady, and quite loud, whine. Zaeed laughed at that, pressing down on Garrus’ knee so it was nearly uncomfortable, but gave the man an angle that allowed him to hit all the right places, pushing Garrus further and further until-

 

“Ah-h!” His voice cracked as his orgasm surged through him. His hand wrapped around Zaeed’s head and pulled his mouth back against the spot he’d managed to mark. The man didn’t hesitate to bite down again with a loud groan, thrusting enough that they both were pushed back on the bed and he could feel his fringe dig into the mattress, pulling his head back slightly. But that only gave Zaeed a whole new angle to work with, teeth clenched as he came, his shout muffled into Garrus’ hide. His hips jerked in spasms, heavy panting breaths hot on Garrus’ open wound. He felt his mate _lick_ it, taste the sharp tang of him and Garrus wrapped his arms around the body above him, one hand cradling his head to keep it at his neck.

 

“Was that-”

 

“Yes,” Garrus answered quickly. “Perfect.”

 

Zaeed laughed, shoulders shaking under his arm and made as if to get up. “So I should get some medigel-”

 

“No! Don’t you fucking dare!” He pulled the man tight against him, his chest rumbling with a satisfied purr. “I don’t care if I get infected and die.” He took a deep breath, feeling overwhelmed and so fucking proud. “You have no idea-”

 

Zaeed shifted, sliding his sweat-slicked body halfway off him onto the bed. “I think I get the gist.” He brushed his nose along Garrus’ mandible. “Fuck. My jaw hurts.”

 

He brushed his hand over the man’s backside, resting at his buttocks as he rolled them. He kissed Zaeed. He put all his love for the man into that kiss, all his longing and desire and _joy_. He could have kissed him like that forever, showing him how much his mate was loved. His heart felt nearly about to explode from it.

 

Zaeed pushed at him, though; concern pulled his eyebrows down. “Hear that?”

 

Garrus shook his head, silent with attention to the rest of the apartment outside their door. Neither one breathed, watching each other, but listening intently. Then he heard it: a small thud that sounded like it came from the kitchen, and whispered voices. “Shepard’s damned shitty security system,” he whispered and Zaeed nodded.

 

He heard another muffled thump and low mutterings.

 

“Zee...”

 

“Hush,” the man whispered. “If someone _is_ trying to be quiet, they're doing a piss-poor job of it.”

 

The merc threw his legs over the side of the bed with a stifled groan as he reached for and pulled on his trousers, not bothering with his boxers or even with zipping up. Garrus yanked on his own trousers and snatched their pistols, left easily to grab on the bedside table. He primed the heat sinks but left the safeties on. Zaeed had crept to the door, waiting for Garrus to hand him his pistol, “Thanks, love.” He opened the door silently. Garrus saw him pause for a moment and stooped to pick up something left just outside on the floor. Was that a _can opener_? He had a brief thought that maybe there was another Shepard clone out there, playing practical jokes. By leaving random kitchen utensils lying around? Weird.

 

Zaeed tucked the object in his back pocket and nodded towards the kitchen. As they slunk along the wall, Garrus slid the safety off, wincing at the small ‘click’. Zaeed nudged him in the ribs and he stepped away from the wall enough to dodge past the opening so both of them could see into the room. He nearly laughed then at what he saw: Shepard and Kaidan tangled together, Kaidan on the countertop with his legs wrapped around Shepard, Shepard’s face buried in the crook of Kaidan’s neck. They _clearly_ were preoccupied.

 

Zaeed snickered, his stance relaxing slightly, but didn’t lower his gun. A mild _whump_ sounded as all of a sudden the two men in the kitchen were surrounded by blue miasma.  He stepped around the corner and Garrus followed.

 

“Evenin’, gentlemen…”

 

Garrus didn’t think he’d ever seen Kaidan so seriously pissed off before, not even on Horizon.  Shepard glanced over his shoulder at them, comprehension registering on his face.  He released his hold on his partner and patted Kaidan’s thigh, azure sparks trailing through the air.  

 

“Ease down, Kaid.”

 

“I _told_ you, John…”

 

The biotic closed his fist, dissipating the ball of dark energy roiling in his palm.  Shepard cleared his throat and rubbed a hand over his short hair.  The commander kept his back to the two mercs as he went to turn on some lights.  Zaeed noticed the slight hitch in his step.  Kaidan’s jaw was clenched, high color in his cheeks.

 

“How’s it hangin’, Shep?  Low and to the left, like usual?”

 

“Go fuck yourself, Massani.”

 

“I would, but Garrus already did.”

 

Kaidan scrubbed a hand across his eyes and started to shrug back into the hoodie.  

 

“Can we put the guns down, please?  Makes me feel like I’m being held up in my own house…”

 

Zaeed thumbed the safety, tucking the pistol in his waistband.  Garrus did the same, mandibles flexing in humor.  Kaidan was pointedly staring at a spot on the floor, avoiding their eyes.

 

“So what’re you guys doing up?  I could’ve sworn you were otherwise engaged…” Shepard said, keeping the island between them.  Kaidan shook his head, looking at his partner.  He slid off the counter and adjusted his pajama bottoms.  Garrus quirked his head at the noticeable damp spot, scenting their all-too evident desire in the air.  

 

“Yeah, well, we finished. Looks like we beat you to it,” Zaeed said with a laugh. He reached around and pulled the can opener from his back pocket, tossing it onto the counter. “Found your little ‘gift’.”

 

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, old man…” Shepard grinned, leaning on the island. Kaidan heaved a sigh and threw it back in its drawer, closing it with a sharp thud.  

 

“‘Course you don’t, John...they put it there themselves.”  

 

Shepard nudged his partner with his elbow affectionately.

 

“We just came down for a snack, that’s all.”

 

“Was that snack biotic-flavored?” Garrus hummed.  Kaidan’s ears flamed again.  

 

“Maybe...bet it tasted better than whatever you got into, though.  Why are your lips blue, Massani?” Shepard grinned wider at him, tongue playing with the edge of his canine.  

 

The older man smirked and licked his lips, obviously savoring any lingering turian blood. Garrus nudged up protectively against his back. “None of your fucking business, Shep.”

 

Kaidan peered interestedly at the turian’s neck.  “Looks like you got tangled up with the wrong end of a vorcha, Garrus.  I don’t suppose Zaeed would know anything about that…”

 

Garrus stood a little taller, straightening up over his mate. He grinned, mandibles spreading as wide as possible. “He might.” Zaeed heard the pleasure in his subvocals that he wasn’t necessarily putting his words to.  Shepard furrowed his brow, straining to listen. “And he didn’t need a can opener to- _oof_!”

 

Zaeed’s elbow jammed him in the gut. “But thanks for the attempted assist anyway,” the man growled. “Can manage some shit all on my own, if you can bloody well imagine it, Shep.”

 

“.... _that’s_ what it was….okay,” the commander said, nodding to himself.  “Makes a lot more sense now.”

 

“What does?” Kaidan asked absentmindedly, getting himself a glass of water and a jar of peanut butter.  He made a face at the jar.

 

“That ‘singing’ I thought you were doing upstairs?  I figured it out.”

 

Zaeed looked at Shepard, chewing on the inside of his cheek.  Garrus went still next to him.

 

“Do we only have peanut butter?  I thought we had almond butter, too.”

 

“You ate it all, remember?”

 

“Damn...I hate peanut butter...” The biotic was contemplating the jar.  Shepard laughed at him.

 

“Then don’t eat it!  Find something else.”

 

“Yeah, but I need protein....I think with everything that’s been happening, I’ll be hurting tomorrow.  Protein helps.”

 

Shepard put a hand around Kaidan’s head, drawing it to him gently.  He pressed a soft kiss to his temple, then turned to the freezer.  Garrus cautiously ventured further into the room.

 

“I could have sworn the peanut butter protein bars on the Normandy were your favorite, Kaid...you were always eating them.”  He rummaged around in the ice box, pulling out a couple of packages of bacon.  “Since everyone is up, might as well make breakfast.”  He tossed the dextro package on the counter closest to Garrus and received a subharmonic chirp in response.  The commander cocked his head at the noise again but didn’t say anything.  Zaeed looked at him shrewdly, leaning an elbow against the island.

 

“Yeah, that was only because those were the only ones left...I got burnt out on it years ago.  Had to convince myself to keep chewing on them,” the biotic sighed, tucking the jar back in the cupboard and pulled out pancake mix instead.  

 

“Heard that, did you, Shepard?” the merc asked quietly.  The commander pursed his lips, looking in the refrigerator for anything else dextro.  He came back with two cartons of eggs, one stamped ‘LEVO’ in blue and the other ‘DEXTRO’ in red.  He gave one curt nod to show he’d heard Zaeed.  Garrus swallowed hard.  

 

“Heard what?” Kaidan asked, taking a sip of water as he glanced between the three of them.  Shepard shook his head, sliding an arm around his partner and tucking his hand in one of the hoodie pockets.  Garrus rubbed the back of his neck and winced as he touched the bite mark, claws stained with blue.  

 

“I’m guessing you did, too, Massani?” Shepard asked, resting his chin on Kaidan’s shoulder.  The biotic lifted a heavy brow at his partner.

 

“Yeah, I did.  Got some hardware after Vido tried to blow my face off.” He tapped his ear with the cybernetic hearing aid. “The question I have is how are you able to?”

 

Shepard blinked at him.  Kaidan shifted uncomfortably.

 

“Are you serious?  You’re aware of how we met in the first place, Massani, right?”

 

“Look, all I know is that the ‘great Commander Shepard’ was lost, then turned up two years later to recruit me for a goddamn suicide run.  The details of how you became ‘un-lost’ were never given to me.  Though I have noticed your scarring looks better.  Less orange.”

 

The commander snorted at that, running his chin along Kaidan’s shoulder.  Garrus cleared his throat, leaning against his mate.

 

“He’s implying that he has cybernetic augmentation for hearing, just like you, Zee. So he can hear subharmonics. Shepard was dead as a pyjak in a krogan supply tent.  Cerberus-”

 

“Alright, Vakarian, that’s enough,” Shepard said, glancing at his partner.  Kaidan had gone very still.  “Yes, I have augmented hearing in addition to a few other things, courtesy of circumstances beyond my control.  I was trying to not bring it up; I remember a few other turians I’ve met got a little touchy when I responded to the subharmonics.  I’d forgotten about it, honestly….most of the time it just blends in with the rest of the white noise.”

 

“I’m going to make some tea….anybody want anything?” Kaidan asked nonchalantly, pulling away from Shepard.  The commander let him go, watching his partner’s stiff back fill the kettle with water and put it on the stove top.  

 

“Oooh, do you have any hot chocolate?”  Garrus perked up, happy to drop the subject.  Kaidan shuffled the contents of another cabinet around.

 

“.....don’t think so.  We usually don’t have much dextro stocked; just enough so if someone gets stuck here they won’t be up the creek without a paddle…”

 

“Damn….that’s my favorite.”

 

“You could always have some more _Rebel Reserve_ …hair of the dog that bit you,” Shepard said, nodding towards the bar.  Garrus put up a claw, shaking his head.

 

“No thank you….Zaeed already bit me enough.  And I don’t see how the fur from a canine could possibly be of any use.”

 

A pleased grin split Zaeed’s face with Garrus’ offhand mention of his biting abilities, but he swiped it from his face with a quick hand. “I’ll take you out for hot chocolate if you want, love. I know for a fact Shepard doesn’t have any decent coffee in this place.”

 

“Tell me about it,” Kaidan snorted, “If I want good coffee, I have to go out of the way for it.”

 

“Hey, now….you never complained when I made you coffee on the Normandy,” Shepard pointed out indignantly, “on the SR1 _or_ the SR2.”

 

“It’s the thought that counts, John…” the biotic smiled at him, “Admittedly yours was not the worst I’ve had, but it still stands to be said: never let a tea-drinker make coffee for a coffee-drinker.”

 

Shepard was taken aback.  

 

“...first I ever heard about it,” he grumbled, “Besides.  You told me you like tea as well.”

 

Kaidan winked cheekily at that.

 

“You know I like it both ways.”

 

“Plus there is the additional question: did Shepard ever manage to disarm the coffee maker properly?” Garrus nodded over at the machine in question and Zaeed barked a laugh.

 

Kaidan huffed another laugh.  “Took it out to the ordnance testing and firing range at C-Sec and blew it from a distance; that’s a replacement.”  

 

“I would have liked to have seen that,” Garrus said quietly, a bit of remorse in his voice. He kept an eye on the coffee maker though. It looked just like the old one. “Maybe while you two do whatever it is that you two _do_ in the kitchen,” he leered a bit at Shepard, “Zaeed and I will go out and get some decent coffee and dextro hot chocolate. There’s a place just on the other side of the casino, shouldn’t take us long. Unless you want us to linger...”

 

Kaidan’s ears flushed again.  Shepard grinned at Garrus’ innuendo. “Sounds like a plan, my hellaciously hickied turian friend.”

 

Zaeed snorted. “Place makes a decent cappuccino. You want one, K-dog?”

 

“Uh, sure...extra foam, please...” the biotic answered, shaking his head at the nickname, “Remind me to talk to you about what’s appropriate to let slip to friends, _John_.”  

 

Shepard buried his face in Kaidan’s neck again, leaning into him.  Kaidan braced himself from being thrown off-balance.

 

“I’ll give you extra foam, K…” he murmured, “and it can even be while you’re punishing me for slipping on your nicknames.”

 

Zaeed hastily pushed Garrus from the kitchen back to the bedroom to grab their clothes to Kaidan’s muffled protests of embarrassment. “Let’s get out of here before any of this foaming shit happens.”

 

“How come I haven’t seen this ‘foaming’ trick you humans apparently do?” Garrus said as they walked down the hall.

 

“It’s a euphemism, Garrus. You see it all the time.”

 

“Ahhh, another mating joke...Shepard is fond of those…”

 

“Heh, yeah. He is indeed.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn’t actually think they would hold them up at gunpoint, did you?


	5. Whiskey Whoopsie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan are left to their own devices in the kitchen, no can opener required.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kaidan is so embarrassed. ~potionsmaster
> 
> Life is short. He’ll get over it. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch
> 
> As long as he has a little help from his friends, right? hahahaaaa! ~potionsmaster
> 
> What are friends for, if not helping you get laid? ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch

_**Euphoric Neurosis** _ , by potionsmaster and ThreeWhiskeyLunch

  


Rating: M.  No can openers were harmed in the making of this chapter.

  


**Chapter 5** : _Whiskey Whoopsie_

  


_~*~*~*~_

  


Shepard pulled away from Kaidan, laughing at the two hastily retreating mercs.  Kaidan swatted at him, turning back to the burbling kettle and pulling it off the heat before it could whistle.  He poured himself a mug.

  


“You want some, too?”

  


The commander was leaning against the counter, soft smile on his face as he watched his partner.

  


“Always...” he murmured.  Kaidan glanced at him affectionately as he retrieved another mug and tea bag.  

  


“Probably should put everything away, since we're not going to eat until they get back,” the biotic said, shoving the mug across the island.  He tucked the pancake mix back in the cupboard.

  


“Yeah, but the bacon can stay in the fridge...let it thaw.”

  


“Why aren't you two fucking like goddamn rabbits yet?” Zaeed bellowed as he and his mate reappeared from the guest bedroom fully clothed, “You some kind of domestic goddess, Shepard?” The man had his omni-tool open and fiddled with it for a brief moment. He closed it with a snap and eyed Shepard with an intense gaze.

  


Kaidan winced at the noise.  Shepard closed the refrigerator door and turned around, smirk firmly in place.

  


“Who says we didn't already and you guys are just slow at getting dressed?”

  


Garrus' mandibles flexed.

  


“Well, the smell, for one.”  Shepard's eyes widened.  “You know how you can hear _me_?  I can smell _you_.  Who did you think you two were fooling on the SR2 when you were 'talking tactics' in the War Room?”

  


Shepard's neck turned a patchy red but he didn't break eye contact as he took a sip of his tea.  Kaidan busied himself with cleaning up the tea bag wrappers and phantom crumbs.  The commander placed his mug firmly on the island.

  


“Scram, alright?  Otherwise I'll throw the damn can opener at you.”

  


“C'mon, love...there's a hot chocolate out there with your name on it...”  Zaeed tugged on Garrus' arm, “And it is too bloody early to be up without coffee. And for fuck’s sake, send us a message or something so we know it’s safe to come back. Hate to interrupt your little love fest... _again_.” They could hear the merc’s chuckle as the two exited the apartment.

  


“See you in a bit...” Kaidan waved at them, door sliding shut behind them.  Shepard twirled the mug in one spot against the granite.   

  


“So....” he said, fiddling with the tea bag, “Any ideas on how you want to spend our unexpected down time?”

  


“Subtle, John.  Real subtle,” his partner chuckled, running a hand through his hair.  

  


“Well?” Shepard asked.  His tongue played with the point of his canine as he gazed appreciatively at the other man.

  


“I might need convincing.  Getting interrupted twice is a bit of a mood-killer.”

  


Shepard drew Kaidan to him, hands resting on his hips.

  


“I think I can do that,” he said before pressing his lips gently to Kaidan's.  He slowly unzipped the hoodie and rolled it off the biotic's shoulders.  Kaidan shook his head, small smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

  


“You are-”

  


“-incorrigible; I know.  It's your favorite word to describe me,” Shepard finished for him, holding them together and swaying slightly on the spot.  Kaidan exhaled softly through his nose, smile turning into a grin.  

  


“-irresistible sometimes, was what I was actually going to say, babe.”

  


The commander gave an amused 'hmph', rubbing their cheeks together.  Kaidan closed his eyes, eyelashes brushing against his partner's stubble.

  


“Is that so...”

  


“It is.”

  


“Guess I have a certain charming reputation to live up to, then.”  He tucked a couple of fingers down the front of Kaidan's pajama bottoms and pulled him towards the stairs.  Kaidan hummed in anticipation, following his partner up the stairwell.  Shepard stopped on the landing, kissing him softly.  

  


“I love you, you know...”

  


“I know, John.  I love you too.”

  


“Just in case you forgot.”

  


Kaidan slid his hands over Shepard's chest and shoulders, goosebumps trailing where he touched.

  


“How could I forget?”

  


“If you're tired, we don't have to....I'll wait.”

  


“John....”

  


Kaidan pushed him gently up the stairs again, swatting his firm buttocks as they crossed the threshold to their bedroom.  Shepard jumped a bit at the playful spank.

  


“...I said I just needed a little convincing.  That doesn't mean 'no', you know.”

  


“Noted.”

  


“Better not be disregarded this time.”

  


Shepard turned around and grabbed the drawstring to Kaidan's pjs, pulling gently.  He captured the biotic's lips in a more insistent kiss, dragging the waist of the other man's pants down.  He palmed Kaidan, feeling the growing hardness in his hand.  

  


“Does this look like I'm disregarding it?”

  


The commander sank to his knees while he licked a line down Kaidan's neck to his collarbone, continuing down the middle of his chest.  He paused to kiss his belly button, eyelashes fluttering against the biotic's stomach while he gazed up at his partner with wide, innocent eyes.  Kaidan huffed a small laugh at that, running a hand over Shepard's buzzed hair, blue meeting brown.

  


Shepard slid a warm hand down to his base, moistening his lips.  Without breaking eye contact, he rubbed Kaidan's tip over them, tongue darting out to tease underneath the head.  Kaidan breathed in sharply, sliding his other hand through his partner's short hair; the prickly-velvet sensation was uniquely 'John' to him.  He resisted pressing himself forward.  

  


Wet heat traced slick lines up and down the exposed skin, hand moving slowly on his length.  Kaidan tipped his head back.  Shepard took a detour, kissing his way around the purple lotus on his partner’s hip and following the trail of floating petals. Kaidan shivered at the hot breath on his skin, goosebumps raised in the wake of Shepard’s wandering tongue.   

  


“You can be very persuasive, John,” he sighed, trying to pull the other man up gently.  Shepard’s eyes crinkled slightly in the corners, voice playful.  He placed Kaidan’s hands back on his head.

  


“I’m just getting started, Kaid…”

  


He licked his lips again, then swiped his tongue broadly across the crown,  Kaidan moaned, eyes fluttering as he looked at his partner’s face.  Shepard grinned at him, then took him in his mouth.  The biotic thrust himself forward, straining against the firm hand around him.

  


“Oh, _god_ , John... _mmmm_ …”

  


Shepard let his other hand drift from Kaidan’s hip to his balls, cupping them.  He noticed a fine tremble in the biotic’s thighs as he licked and sucked, lips meeting his hand.  Kaidan rolled his hips, matching John’s motion.  He slid his fingers through the prickly hair again, trying to distract himself from getting too aroused too quickly.  The commander pulled back, smoothing the slickness he left over Kaidan’s length.

  


“You’re so sexy…I don’t tell you enough,” he said softly, brushing his lips over the tip again. Kaidan moaned again, pulling the other man up more forcefully into a kiss.  He tasted himself on Shepard’s tongue.

  


“You flatterer…”

  


“Mmm...it gets me everywhere, I’ve been told.”

  


The commander moved backwards slowly, stepping out of his pajama bottoms as he went.  Kaidan breathed out slowly, feeling a frisson of excitement ripple through him at the sight.  Shepard held out his hands, gesturing to his partner.

  


“C’mere…”

  


Kaidan kicked his pjs off the rest of the way and went to him, kissing him deeply as he ran his hands along John’s skin.  Shepard moaned against his lips.  He wrapped his arms around his partner and turned them around, pushing him backwards onto the bed.  They fell against the mattress in a tangled heap of arms and legs.  

  


The commander pulled back slightly, gazing at Kaidan.  The biotic smiled shyly, ducking his head to the side.

  


“...what?”

  


Shepard gave him a soft smile in return, rubbing the tips of their noses together.

  


“Just thinking about you.”

  


“Oh?”

  


“Mmhm.”  Shepard laid a line of kisses along Kaidan’s jaw, working his way down his neck.

  


“Well?  What about?” Kaidan said breathlessly.  He slid his hands down Shepard’s spine, exploring the hard planes of muscle.  

  


“How much I love hearing you, K...and how much I love seeing you like this.”

  


Shepard kissed his partner full on the lips to punctuate it, hand fumbling for the drawer in their nightstand.  Kaidan felt heat spread from his ears across his cheeks and down the back of his neck.

  


“Most of all, how lucky I am to have you, though…”  

  


The commander found the small bottle and sat up, straddling Kaidan.  The biotic cupped his cheek, running his thumb affectionately over John’s cheekbone and lips.  He felt his heart speed up as his partner nuzzled his palm, tongue slipping between his swollen lips to lick his thumb. He pushed it gently into the wet heat.  Shepard hummed as he swirled his tongue around it, sucking gently.  Their hips rolled together.

  


Shepard didn’t break eye contact while he opened the lube with a soft ‘click’, silken liquid pooling in his palm.  Kaidan exhaled sharply in anticipation, unsure of his partner’s intent.  John closed his hand, rubbing his fingers in it to warm it up.  He let Kaidan’s thumb fall out of his mouth as he glanced over his shoulder, raising himself on his knees.  He braced himself with his other hand on Kaidan’s chest. reaching behind himself with his lubed hand.

  


“ _God_ , John…” Kaidan breathed.

  


The commander threw his head back at his own touch, panting slightly.  

  


“ _Mmmmph_ …oh, _Kaidan_ …”

  


The biotic took John in hand in the front, sliding his other hand over his partner’s explorations with his own.  The commander thrust himself back into the combined contact.

  


“...need you so bad, Kaid…”  

  


“ _John_ …”

  


Shepard stopped working himself with his fingers and grasped Kaidan’s length, coating him with the lube on his hand.  Kaidan shuddered at the enhanced sensation, thrusting against him.  The commander slid him between his buttocks, back arching.

  


“Jeezuz- _fuck_ , K…”

  


He guided his partner in his entrance, forcing himself to go slow.  Kaidan clutched at his hips, fingers digging into firm flesh.  John gasped when the biotic was completely inside him.  They stayed still for a moment, adjusting to the feeling.

  


“Alright?” Kaidan asked breathlessly, putting a hand to John’s cheek again.  Concerned brown eyes met fevered blue.  John moaned, tilting his hips back against his partner’s rigid length.

  


“More than… _ahhh_ , godfuckindamn... _fuck me,_ Kaidan...”

  


The biotic took him at his word, boosting his partner forward as he bent his knees; John happily fell forward, lips crashing together.  He licked the crease of Kaidan’s lips, begging for entrance.  Kaidan fed at the kiss hungrily, thrusting into his partner with the motion of their tongues.  John shoved himself back against Kaidan, every stroke a counterpoint to his partner’s movement.  

  


He broke off the kiss, panting heavily.  Kaidan could feel a delicious tightening in the pit of his stomach and lower.  He grabbed John’s hand and brought it behind them, massaging his balls with his partner’s hand.

  


“ _I…_ ohhhh, _John_!  I don’t think I can…last...much...longer!   _Uuuuuhh_!”

  


The commander rubbed the heavy warmth in his hand against himself.

  


“Do it, babe…”

  


“What about... _haaahhh_...you?”  Kaidan was lifting himself off the bed in order to thrust deeper.  John grunted as he met his partner’s motion.  

  


“I’ll go when... _uuungggh_ …you do. Trust me…”

  


Kaidan’s breath shortened the closer he got to completion.  John was looking at their joined bodies, hand still kneading his partner’s balls.  The biotic put a hand to his cheek, forcing him to look forward again.  

  


“Ah, _god…John!!_ ”

  


Smoldering brown eyes met blue as he came, throat raw from crying out.  He felt a rush of wet heat on his stomach, John’s face pushed into his palm.  They gazed at each other as they each tried to catch their breath.  

  


“I love you, K.”

  


Shepard leaned forward, capturing his partner’s abused lips in a gentle kiss.  The biotic huffed a quiet laugh, hugging the other man to him, rolling them to the side.  They both regretted the loss of contact as Kaidan slipped out.

  


“I love you, too…more than you know.”

  


Kaidan buried his face in John’s shoulder, arms wrapped around the younger man sleepily.  The commander rubbed his hand gently along the biotic’s arm.

  


“I could lie here forever,” Kaidan mumbled.  Shepard pressed a kiss to his forehead.

  


“Would that we could, but where are the other two?  I thought for sure they’d be back and harassing us by now…”

  


The biotic grunted noncommittally.  

  


“I’m kinda glad they’re not, actually….”

  


Shepard snuggled Kaidan in closer, breathing in the scent of him. This was good. This was right. The two of them together just like this. He wasn’t sure when either of them fell asleep.

  


~*~*~*~

  


He came to in a jerk, aware of everything at once: the quiet apartment, Kaidan warm at his side, the muffled noises of the strip outside the window. Time had passed, but how much? His omni-tool told him a few hours. Garrus and Zaeed had probably deemed it safe to return and let themselves back in, since they apparently had the door security figured out. Kaidan grumbled in his arms, burrowing closer under the blankets at the bright orange light.

  


The biotic’s stomach growled loud enough for him to hear and that made Shepard chuckle softly. “I’m hungry,” Kaidan mumbled into the commander’s shoulder.  His eyes were still closed while he heaved a sigh, consciousness coming to the forefront again.

  


“Always thinking about your stomach, K.”

  


“Biotic metabolism, remember? You promised me bacon...” He stretched, languid as a cat soaking on a sunny windowsill. “Zaeed had better have brought back the biggest cappuccino they have. Although, foam’s probably gone by now. We must have slept an hour or more.”

  


“Two, actually.” He gave Kaidan a light swat on his firm behind. “You’re an evil distraction.”

  


Kaidan smirked. “I learned from the best.”

  


They got up and took a quick shower, Shepard splashing water Kaidan’s way-(“What are you, twelve? Grow up.” “No.”)-and dressed in jeans and t-shirts, hair still damp. They kept bumping into each other accidentally-on-purpose in the closet, chuckling at the other’s efforts. They tumbled down the stairs, not bothering to be quiet, assuming Zaeed and Garrus were either passed out in the guest room or sitting around doing whatever it is they did (reading field manuals on explosives probably, or arguing over the merits of sniper scopes, more likely).

  


The lights in the apartment had timed off, slowly coming on as they moved into the kitchen. Kaidan had been anticipating the coffee, trying to decide if he should warm it up or throw some ice in it.  Maybe just inject it straight into his veins...except there wasn’t anything waiting for him in the kitchen. Nothing on the counters, nothing in the fridge.

  


“Did they even come back?” Kaidan asked, a thread of worry in his voice as he padded down the hallway towards the guest bedroom.  Shepard gave the den a brief tour, cringing over the empty whiskey bottles and glasses that littered the bar. They weren’t there, nor in the living room.

  


“Holy _shit_! Shepard!” Kaidan called from the other side of the apartment.

  


“What? You find them?” He made his way quickly back around to the guest room. Kaidan was standing in the doorway, face pale. “They alright?” Shepard furrowed his brow; knowing those two, they’d ended up in a bar fight and had come home battered and bloody.

  


There was blue blood, alright...on the sheets. And a smear on the headboard. The turian and merc responsible, however, weren’t there. What _was_ there were tears in the sheets and a pillow; bits of fluff from the mattress were escaping out into the world like felons climbing out of prison.

  


“ _Jeez_ uzfucking-”

  


“What. The. _Hell_...” Kaidan turned to look at him, eyes wide. “I just-I can’t even-”

  


Shepard started to laugh, shoulders shaking.  Kaidan sounded exactly like his mother right then.  Mina would have been proud.  The whole situation was utterly ridiculous.  He couldn’t stop. The commander struggled to catch his breath but didn’t quite succeed.  He had to grab onto Kaidan’s arm to keep from falling over. Kaidan stared at him, baffled; not nearly as amused at the scene and at Shepard’s uncontrolled laughter. Shepard gasped, stomach aching slightly. He tried to stop, but- “Oh, come on-” he chortled, “You-you don’t think th-that’s-” he gasped again, leaning into Kaidan, “-funny?”

  


Kaidan stared at his partner, crossing his arms. But his lips twitched finally and he relaxed, shaking his head. “Obviously _you_ do.”

  


The laughter died slowly and he leaned fully against the biotic, arms around his back. “They love each other, Kaid. That’s what matters. Not for us to judge what that looks like.”

  


Kaidan heaved a sigh as he wrapped his arms around Shepard.

  


“No, you're right...” He peered over his partner’s shoulder at the destruction in the bedroom. “But I _do_ judge them for ruining my sheets. And the mattress. And those are goosedown pillows…” His lips twisted in disapproval as he spied another minor smear of blood on the headboard that had been hastily wiped at.

  


“It’s just _stuff_ , K.” Shepard kissed him on the nose and pulled away, opening his omni-tool.  Kaidan rolled his eyes while he started stripping the ruined sheets off the destroyed mattress. Right. ‘Just stuff’.

  


“Uh, a little help here?” he griped after a few moments, swiping at feathers floating in the air.  Pressure was starting to increase in his temples and combining with the hunger he was feeling, it was starting to make him short-tempered. “What’re you doing, exactly?”

  


“Neither responded to my omni-text. Figured the quickest way to find them was to ping their ‘tools,” Shepard tapped away at his own, “Looks like they’re just sitting on one of the park benches out on the strip.”

  


Kaidan’s stomach growled again and Shepard glanced at him. “I need to eat. Let’s go grab them and then we can get breakfast somewhere.”

  


“Good idea. The place that makes those biscuits and gravy, maybe? They serve dextro. Sending Garrus a message that we'll just come meet them..now."  The omni-tool chirped at him that the message sent.

  


“Anywhere,” Kaidan grumbled. “I don’t care.” He fought to hide his plummeting mood and failed; he knew he shouldn’t get this grumpy simply because he hadn’t eaten in a while, but he couldn’t help it.  And of course Shepard would notice, getting into his space, pressing a delicate kiss behind his ear, a gentle hand on his arm.  They moved towards the door, putting on their shoes.

  


"Read you loud and clear, _Major Grouchy_."

  


Kaidan rolled his eyes while they locked the apartment. "Such an ass."

  


"But I’m _your_ ass.  Isn't that why you love me?"

  


"I think the saying goes, ‘Why do I love thee?  Let me count the ways’..."

  


~*~*~*~

  


"Did you order a mattress too?" Garrus asked as Shepard's apartment door closed behind them and they stepped into the elevator.

  


"Mattress, sheets, pillows, and some Turian-grade sheets for any follow up visits. Providing they ever invite us back" Zaeed grinned at his mate and Garrus grinned back, mandibles wide.

  


"Big 'if'," he agreed.

  


He doubled checked his omni-tool and then shut it off. "Should be delivered this afternoon." The man peered at the spot on his neck. "That thing hurt?"

  


"A little. Not anything too bad. I think I'll live."

  


Zaeed grunted, the doors opening to the main lobby. "Good. Might need to try that again."

  


Garrus followed him out of the elevator, giving him a swat on his behind. An Asari matriarch arched an eyebrow as they crossed her path, but they were both in too good of a mood to chide her for it. "More than willing, Zee."

  


It was still the night cycle as they exited the building onto the strip, although it felt like it was getting close to maybe thinking about morning. They had their drinks in short order: Zaeed carrying his and Kaidan's extra large cappuccinos (with extra foam), and a Chai latte for Shepard all in a sturdy paper holder.

  


Zaeed pointed to one of the benches that sat in front of one of the nicer viewpoints of the Silversun Strip. "Let's give them some time. Seeing as how they had to start from scratch."

  


Garrus sat, arm stretched out over the back. Zaeed groaned a little as he sat next to him, leaning slightly into the embrace of his arm. Garrus couldn't help the low rumbling purr as he looked at his mate. Another turian, barefaced and young, looked at them curiously and Garrus tipped his head slightly, enough for the mark under his mandible to be visible. Not that he was showing off or anything. Bareface's eyes widened for a moment before he moved on. _That's right. I'm his bondmate, ya little twit._

  


"Actually," Garrus said, continuing his line of thought, "I feel kinda bad. Kaidan looked pretty annoyed." He took a sip of his hot chocolate, savoring the rich sweetness.

  


Zaeed laughed. "Well, there's nothing like having a goddamn gun pointed at you to kill the mood. Unless you're into that sort of thing, which I strongly doubt Kaidan to be." He sighed and rested further against Garrus. His face showed signs of exhaustion, weary from the long night. Garrus felt fairly certain neither of them would turn down the opportunity for a comfortable bed right about now.

  


He watched as Zee tipped his head back, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed down nearly half his coffee in one go. "I hate to be a cock-blocker, ya know?"  Garrus snorted as his mate continued. "If they didn't have that shitty security-"

  


"Speaking of which, I think we need to take it on ourselves to fix that problem. Shepard just doesn't seem to be as concerned as he should about it...and considering how meticulous Kaidan is about his armor and weapons, it’s odd that he hasn’t gotten on Shepard about it." He mentally began ticking off a list of things to grab from Spectre requisitions (and a few things they'd need to design themselves).

  


Zaeed nodded. "Good idea. No coffee makers, though."

  


Garrus sighed, mock-defeated. "Okie, _fine_."

  


They sat in silence for a while, watching people pass by, the Citadel slowly coming awake. He wasn't sure when, but at some point Zaeed fell asleep; arms crossed over his chest, chin down, softly snoring. Garrus let his arm fall over his shoulders and the man sighed in his sleep, edging closer. His own eyes were heavy, barely able to keep them open, until finally he drifted off as well, head falling slightly sideways, his mandible resting on the top of Zaeed's head.

  


He was dreadfully tired.  The hot chocolate had given him a pleasant warmth that spread from fringe to toe claw.  He didn't hear Shepard's omni-text when his eyes drifted shut. Nor did he hear the several repeated beeps after to alert him of more incoming messages. What he did become aware of in an instant: Zaeed's sudden jerk as he came awake and the fact that _someone was manhandling his mate_ , a firm hand on the man's arm. He didn't see who it was (he should have looked) and he didn't care (he should have cared). The instinct to protect Zaeed was above and beyond any other consideration at that moment.

  


“Aw, _son_ uva _bitch_!!”

  


Red blood spattered after Garrus’ flailing arms connected solidly with the assailant’s face. The turian growled and launched himself at the attacker.  He received an elbow to the face for his troubles.  Within an instant, he was on top of them, hearing shouts and protests.  Zaeed was bellowing something, but the turian was too preoccupied by the squawking human he was wrestling.  That voice sounded awfully familiar, though…

  


They rolled on the ground, grappling for the upper hand.  Garrus felt a trail of fire dribble from his nose as he pinned the perp’s arms above their head.  He stared incredulously.

  


“ _Shepard_?!?”

  


A sharp electric shock flashed through him, seizing his muscles painfully.  He couldn’t budge.  Shepard wriggled out from underneath him, holding a hand up to his bleeding nose.

  


“Damb, Bakarian...you sure pack one hell ub a punch…” the commander said nasally.  Kaidan rushed to help him up, biotic aura still flickering.  Garrus strained to move something, anything.  He panicked slightly at the total lack of response he had from his body.

  


“My god, John!  Are you alright?”

  


“Dib he break id?” Shepard asked, gingerly pinching his nostrils.  Kaidan gently moved the commander’s head from side to side, inspecting it.  He ran a delicate finger down the bridge of Shepard’s nose.

  


“If he did, you deserved it, Shep...what the hell were you thinking, grabbing me in public like that?” Zaeed grumped, kneeling next to his mate.  Garrus tried to trill at him to reassure him.  Kaidan threw the merc an exasperated look.

  


“If he did break your nose, it’s not displaced.  You’re going to get a helluva shiner, though…”

  


He ran a thumb carefully over Shepard’s cheek, cupping it.  The commander closed his eyes tiredly.  

  


“I wanteb to get you two back to our aparbmend before C-Sec issued citatiobs for bagrancy...”

  


Zaeed tugged on one of Garrus’ frozen arms, trying and failing to move it.  

  


“Thanks, I guess…you sound fucking ridiculous, though...” he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.  “What the hell did you do to ‘im, Kaidan?”

  


The biotic helped Shepard up carefully, letting the younger man lean on him.

  


“Stasis.  It won’t last long; I needed to stop him in his tracks. John, you need medigel.”

  


“Bloody hell…”  

  


The merc scrubbed a hand across his eyes, trying to wipe away the exhaustion.  

  


“Don’t look now, but I think we might have company.”

  


The other two men craned their necks, looking into the gathering crowd.  Dread settled in the pits of their stomach when they recognized the Westerlund News camera drone hovering above the groups of civilians and C-Sec officers rushing to the scene.

  


“ _Ooof_!” the turian grunted as he fell the rest of the way to the sidewalk, the stasis field collapsing in a shimmer of blue.  

  


“Sorry, Shepard...I didn’t recognize you at first.”  He grimaced, rotating his neck.  A decidedly unpleasant tingle was still fizzing over his skin and plates. “Remind me never to piss you off, Kaidan...I’m not anxious to repeat that experience.”

  


A C-Sec officer with a visor reached them first, “Excuse me, sirs?  I’m going to have to ask you all to- _Shepard?!?_ ”

  


“Dat’s be…” the commander said, still pinching his nose as he leaned against Kaidan.

  


“You probably don’t remember me; we met some years ago down in the Wards.”

  


“....Officer Lang, righd?”

  


“Yeah!  Hey, you remembered me!  Actually, it’s Lieutenant Lang now...just got promoted.”

  


“Congradulatiobs…” Shepard said tiredly.  Kaidan rubbed his back.

  


Zaeed fussed over Garrus’ bloody nose. “ _Zee_...Would you stop that?”

  


“C’mere, you stupid oaf…you’re bleeding all over the place.”

  


“Uh, actually, Commander, uh-er _Spectre_ Shepard, oh, and Spectre Alenko! Oh dear. This is kind of a kerfuffle, isn’t it? Oh! And Spectre Vakarian! I didn’t see that was you.” Lieutenant Lang peered at Zaeed, almost expecting a Spectre badge to appear on him as well.

  


“Maybe you could get that crowd to move on?” Kaidan encouraged the younger man. “And send that reporter away-”

  


“Oh, I can’t do that. No, the crowd yes! By all means.” He waved over several officers, directing them towards the gawkers and the curious. “But the reporter...I mean, I could. But Commander Bailey says-”

  


“Bailey is a friend of ours,” Kaidan tried to keep the edge from his voice, knowing he wasn’t quite succeeding. “I’m sure he’ll understand.”

  


A number of C-Sec officers were clustered around them, some hanging back to wrangle the crowd and run interference. Some offered up bandages from their kits to staunch bloody noses. Garrus flipped a couple of them off when they ribbed him for disorderly conduct. And one turian that Garrus had been in the same department with slapped him on the back when he saw not only the fresh hickey but the bite scar on Zaeed’s neck, teasing him about being an ‘old bonded bore’ these days.

  


Garrus looked around at the controlled mayhem-Kaidan fussing over Shepard, Zaeed fussing over him, fresh-faced Lieutenant Lang fussing over all of them, that horrendous reporter trying to sneak past C-Sec-and thought there was nothing boring about it.

  


“Alright, you lot, clear these people out of here. On the double.” Commander Bailey’s voice broke in over the building noise of the crowd, interrupting his mulling. “Shepard! What the hell are you doing throwing punches in my territory?”

  


“Bell, I-”

  


“And you, Alenko! Vakarian! You should both know better! Acting like a bunch of hormonal teenagers.” Bailey growled at them, his fierce gaze taking them all in, even the older merc, and reduced them to reprimanded children. “Get your mangy asses off my deck! Next time I see you, you better kiss my tits for this.” He waved them off, nearly chasing them.

  


“Alright, buzz off….nothing to see here,” Bailey said, turning back to the crowd, “Just a misunderstanding…”  

  


Lt Lang puffed up with self-importance, copying his commander.

  


“Move along, folks, keep it going,” he said, flapping his hands at the civilians.  Shepard hunched his shoulders, nodding down the lane to the apartment building.

  


“This just in!  I, your fearless reporter Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, have managed to get the exclusive footage of three Spectres and some nameless vagrant-”

  


“OY!  FUCK OFF, YOU TART!”

  


“ _Zee!!_ ” Garrus shushed him, pulling him after the two humans.  They were trying and failing to hide their faces while they quickened their pace.  Bailey’s voice rose in the background, getting the attention of the reporter.

  


The four of them shuffled in a herd of scampering, deflated male ego. Once they reached the sanctity of the apartment again, they all breathed a sigh of relief. Zaeed sank wearily onto a couch in the living room, Garrus flopping unceremoniously on top of him.  Kaidan was puttering around the kitchen, pulling out pans and making a ruckus that was louder than necessary in his opinion, but the turian wasn’t about to point that out.  He didn’t want to risk another biotic zap.  He also really wanted breakfast.

  


“I thought you said barriers felt _good_ , Shepard....”

  


The commander huffed a small laugh as he turned on the television above the fireplace and started flipping channels; he had just come back from applying medigel and no longer sounded like he had a stuffed-up nose.

  


“They do, when your partner is trying to be gentle.  And that very much was not a barrier, Garrus.  Your ass was in stasis.”

  


“I thought only Liara did that…?”

  


“Just because I don’t use it that often doesn’t mean I can’t do it,” Kaidan groused from the kitchen, “You and John specifically asked for me to lift opponents whenever I could.  Sometimes I thought you guys were under the impression we were skeet shooting or something, the way you acted…”

  


Garrus looked at Zaeed, questioning.  The merc patted his knee.

  


“You remember, don’t you, love?  We did that on holiday.”

  


“Aaaah, right...clay birds that don’t look like birds.”

  


Shepard gave them a strange look but didn’t say anything.  The smell of bacon permeated the air, causing more than a few stomachs to rumble,  He settled on a news channel.

  


“Fucking hell, Shep…”

 

  
“ _Coming up next: an out and out brawl on the Silversun Strip!  WHO was involved?  WHY did it happen?  WHAT is C-Sec going to do about the increase in vagabonds?  Our top reporter in the field has the story after these messages…_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord....I thought this was supposed to be a quiet get together??? hehehe, just one silly chapter left! Mostly just describing the rules for Parcheesi, though:  
> Rule 1: No biting  
> Rule 2: No can openers, either...they are strictly prohibited  
> Rule 3: Blocking on all fronts is encouraged  
> Rule 4: Imbibing alcohol (whiskey in particular) is strongly encouraged, as well.  
> Rule 5: Seriously. No biting.


	6. Whiskey Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reporters are the worst, amiright?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh, and so ends our brilliant first installment of insanity. And whiskey. It’s been one helluva ride. ~potionsmaster
> 
> This seems to be implying that there will be more. I wonder if the world is prepared for this. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch
> 
> wait….there’s not going to be more? I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME!! YOU’RE JUST USING ME FOR MY SEXY OTP BODIES >:o ~potionsmaster
> 
> I forgive you, though….I’m totally doing the same thing ;P ~potionsmaster
> 
> I totally love you. And I’m glad to hear that we are mutually using each other’s OTPs in an unrepentant and salacious manner. Which is completely and unselfishly for the benefit of all mankind. ~ThreeWhiskeyLunch
> 
> hahahaa, _salacious_ …I like that word. It’s very soothing. (Uh...Kaidan? Gimme back the keyboard. And I don’t think that word means what you think it means…) ***wrestles laptop back*** Thank god the keys aren’t schticky. Anyway, TOTALLY for the greater good of humanity. Yes. ~potionsmaster PS: LOVE YOU TOO!!!
> 
> Jesuschrist. Get a goddamn room, you two. ~Zaeed

_**Euphoric Neurosis**_ , by potionsmaster and ThreeWhiskeyLunch

 

Rating: M because reasons unknown at this point.  Probably should have been ‘E’ all along…

 

 **Chapter 6** : _Whiskey Secrets_

 

~*~*~*~

  


Shepard sank onto the couch next to the turian-draped merc, face pale.  The salarian newscaster gleefully cut to a sadly familiar face.

  


“ _Innocent people today on the Silversun Strip were shocked and horrified to find themselves victims of what is now being called the “Spectre Riots of 2189.” Three Spectres, including the famed and first human Spectre and savior of the galaxy, Commander Shepard, his lover_ ” -the commander cringed at that; he and Kaidan both thought the word was too ridiculous to describe each other-“ _and second human Spectre Kaidan Alenko, and turian bad boy Spectre Garrus Vakarian, were seen in an all-out brawl over an unnamed and possibly highly dangerous vagrant in front of the Silversun Casino early this morning. Our reporter on the scene, Khalisah al-Jilani, braved the mayhem to bring you the story-_ ”

  


“What _is_ that shit you’re watching??” Kaidan yelled from the kitchen.  Garrus hummed at the ‘turian bad boy’ description while Zaeed muttered darkly under his breath.  The turian slid off his mate and stretched.

  


“...vagrant, my arse…”

  


“At least they got the ‘highly dangerous’ part right, Zee.”

  


Kaidan appeared with couple of plates of eggs and bacon, handing them to the pair.

  


“Sorry I didn’t make pancakes like we were planning to, but I…”

  


He trailed off, focusing on the large screen.  The reporter’s delighted smirk was spread over her face as she spoke.

  


“ _Thank you.  It would appear that there was some kind of lover’s quarrel that got out of hand.  Jealous boyfriend Spectre Garrus Vakarian_ ” - “Mate,” the turian muttered - “ _apparently decided to let it be known to his former commander and fellow Spectre, John Shepard, where the boundaries lay.  It has come out in our investigation that this nameless vagabond might not be so ‘nameless’ after all_.”

  


“Aw, sonuvaBITCH…” Zaeed groused, throwing his fork down on his plate with a clatter. “If they dredge up that goddamn Blue Suns thing again-”

  


Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at him as he went back for his and Shepard’s food.  Garrus laid his head on the merc’s shoulder, delicately placing a piece of bacon in his mouth.

  


“It’ll be alright, Zee, I promise.”

  


“We’ll have to call Allers; see if we can do some damage control.  I thought we were done with this kind of shit,” Shepard grumbled, rubbing a hand tiredly across his eyes.  

  


“ _As you can see from this close-up,”_ al-Jilani continued as an unflattering still-shot of Zaeed yelling was plastered on the screen, “ _the man pictured here clearly sports what can only be a Blue Suns tattoo on his neck. Our sources within C-Sec have identified the man as none other than Zaeed Massani. Thought to be one of the most merciless and ruthless bounty hunters for hire in the Traverse, rumors have suggested that he and Spectre Garrus Vakarian have been seen living together in San Diego, Earth-”_

  


Kaidan flopped wordlessly down next to Shepard, handing him a fork and balancing a single plate on his knees.  Shepard stabbed a chunk of egg and held it in front of his face, inspecting it.

  


“Since when do you share plates, Shepard?  If I recall, taking food off of yours was grounds for getting shot on the Normandy,” Garrus chirped around a mouthful of bluish eggs.  Zaeed elbowed him.

  


“Less dishes this way, Vakarian.”

  


“Yeah...I fucking hate doing the dishes…” Shepard said before putting the food in his mouth.

  


“ _-and from the security footage seen here, is obviously attempting to remove Massani from Vakarian’s presence while the Spectre was sleeping. Commander Shepard is to be commended for his protective interests in his friends. Obviously a Spectre publicly touting a relationship with such a highly undesirable individual is not in the best interests of the Council, and quite possibly could place the turian Spectre as a security risk.”_

  


Garrus grinned at Zaeed, mandibles twitching, “Since when did you become highly undesirable?”

  


Zaeed winked at his mate. “Since always. Managed to disguise it with my charm.”

  


Shepard choked slightly on his eggs and received a gentle tap on the back from Kaidan. “Zaeed, you have about as much charm as a krogan in a top hat and tails.”

  


“Fuck you too, Shep.”

  


“I rest my case.”

  


“ _-our sources at C-Sec.  Though it remains to be seen if Spectre Shepard’s motives were truly noble in regards to removing Massani from the turian Spectre’s proximity, as Spectre Alenko was observed to have used an unprovoked biotic attack on the mercenary that Spectre Vakarian intercepted.  Inside information from reliable source claims that while Spectre Shepard was in command of the Normandy-both the SR1 and the SR2- numerous sexual advances were made by him on several crewmembers, including one Kaidan Alenko before he rose to such high ranks. No doubt Spectre Shepard had a hand in elevating Spectre-Major Alenko to his current status._ ”

  


“....you have _got_ to be _shitting_ me…” Kaidan growled, cheeks flushing in anger.  Another still showed Kaidan’s distorted face in a biotic aura.  Shepard rolled his eyes.

  


“ _-One moment, please!”_ al-Jilani’s voice increased its pitch in excitement, “ _We are just receiving new information that may have great bearing on the importance of this affair. I have just been contacted by an anonymous informant within C-Sec that the identifying markings on Zaeed Massani’s official criminal record including specific tattoos, plus a high probability match using facial recognition software have brought to light certain illicit activities from Mr. Massani’s past. It appears that Zaeed Massani, boyfriend-_ ” “ MATE! He's my bondmate!” Garrus futilely corrected the reporter again “ _-of Spectre Garrus Vakarian, was once a highly sought-after actor in porn vids. Going under the pseudonym of ‘RockIt’, he made approximately 30 films over the span of several months-”_

  


The men in the room froze in place: Shepard and Kaidan turning surprised eyes on Zaeed, mouths agape and eyes blinking, Zaeed with a fork of eggs halfway to his mouth, Garrus with his forehead clutched in a hand. No one breathed. No one said a word. The only sound the reporter’s voice on the vid screen.

  


“ _-and has quite the cult following. According to forum threads on Fornax, there has been wild speculation as to the the identity of RockIt-spanning anyone from deceased Ambassador Udina to Admiral Tadius Ahern of Pinnacle Station-”_

  


Zaeed set the fork carefully back on the plate, set the plate aside and stood, shrugging off the hand of the turian at his side. Three pairs of eyes watched him move across the room; Shepard’s and Kaidan’s wide and surprised, Garrus’ full of concern. No one stopped the man as he made his way to the bar. Nor did anyone stop him as he filled a clean glass nearly to the brim with whiskey or as he swallowed the glass of whiskey down in several hard swallows. The man coughed as he set the glass down on the bar and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. He grabbed the edge of the bar in both hands, stood back slightly, and in a quick movement, bashed his head against the edge.

  


“It’s all making sense now…” Kaidan muttered. Shepard winced at the harsh _thwack_ of the mercenary’s head impacting the bar.

  


“What does?”

  


“What Garrus was practically begging to say last night and Zaeed saying ‘nothing’ when we asked what the whole exchange was.”

  


“Ah…”

  


Garrus had made his way over to his mate, sliding gentle talons under Zaeed’s forehead, draping his other arm around his shoulders.

  


“You know I don’t care about that, Zee…”

  


"I know you don't goddamn care. _I_ don't goddamn care." He stood and looked past Garrus' shoulder at the other two men whispering with their heads together.

  


Garrus turned his head to follow his gaze, a surprising realization dawning. "Wait... _Shepard_? You care what Shepard thinks?"

  


The man shrugged. "It's like...when your sweet old gran finds out you were the one who left a bag of flaming shit on the neighbor's doorstep that ended up burning their entire goddamn house down."

  


Garrus mandibles twitched. "So Shepard is your grandmother in that situation?" He paused, ignoring the piercing gaze of exasperated hatred coming from his beloved. "Interesting analogy, considering what happened on Zorya-"

  


"Jesuschrist, Garrus. Just forget it."

  


"No. I like it. I get it. And I get that underneath everything gruff and rough, you want Shepard's approval. I get that." He stepped closer, nuzzling his mouth to Zaeed's scarred cheek. "But I can guarantee you this: he doesn't care either. Neither one of them care. They're friends and friends don't judge you on past stupidity-"

  


"Don’t count your krogans before they hatch, Vakarian...extranet searches are a beautiful thing.”

  


This from Shepard, who was suddenly standing right next to them with a sheepish Kaidan at his elbow. He grinned wickedly as he looked over something on his omni-tool. " " _RockIt's Take Off_ ? _RockIt's Golden Globes?_ _Between RockIt and a Hard Place_?” He quirked an eyebrow at the merc.  “Really, Massani?"

  


Zaeed stepped away, looking far beyond as abashed and ashamed as any of them had ever seen him, his cheeks tinged a surprising pink. "I didn't fucking name them," he muttered.

  


"That awful woman is right about one thing, at least. You have quite the cult following." Shepard tapped away at his omni-tool. He looked up and leered. "Percentage-wise, you have one of the highest hit rates for vintage porn. And an impressively large fan base active on the forums. You and your flaming penis-"

  


Zaeed threw his hands up, "Alright. Christ!" He took another step back and turned for the front door. "Have your fucking fun. Not sticking around for this."

  


"Aw, c'mon, Zaeed," Kaidan made a grab for the man's sleeve. "It's all in good fun. He doesn’t really mean it; Shepard's just being an ass-"

  


"Can you blame me? Zaeed Goddamn Massani, porn star? In our midst for years and no one had a clue? Please. This is _gold_!"

  


Zaeed flipped him the bird, brushing off Kaidan's hand.  The biotic crossed his arms and scowled at his partner.  Shepard turned to Garrus, who was following his mate to the door.

  


"So how awesome are they? You've watched them all, right?"

  


Garrus stopped and turned halfway. "Actually, just part of one." He looked thoughtful for a moment, turned a serious look back to Shepard. "It's all fake. I prefer the real thing."

  


Zaeed was waiting at the door, opening it only when Garrus had caught up to him. They left quietly, the door shutting softly behind them.

  


Kaidan turned to Shepard, a stormy look on his face.  "You really are an asshole, you know that?  It’s one thing if you do it to me, but an entirely different thing when you do it to someone else.”

  


Shepard had the good sense to look chagrined.  Kaidan was moving towards the door, shrugging into his blue Alliance hoodie.

  


“Where’re you going?”

  


“After them...guaranteed there’s going to be some kind of trouble.”

  


The commander rubbed the back of his neck as he jogged to catch up, pulling on his own N7 hoodie.

  


~*~*~*~

  


Garrus took one step off the elevator, had a look at the throng of people crowded at the entrance to Shepard’s building being held back by security and did a quick turnabout, herding Zaeed backward.

  


"What the hell?"

  


"We can't go out there."

  


"Why the fuck not?"

  


"Reporters. Lots of them."

  


"Aw, fuck." Zaeed swiped a hand over his exhausted features. "Garrus. I'm going to fall over in a minute."

  


"Yeah, I know. Me too."

  


The man looked around desperately. "We can't stay here. Roof access?"

  


"They'll be up there too." He leaned against his mate, wishing they were far away from this. Media frenzies and reporters with unanswerable questions were Shepard's territory. The doors to the elevator began to quietly slide shut. "I don't know what-"

  


A hand slid in between the nearly closed doors, stopping them from shutting fully, bouncing slightly as they opened up again. Zaeed groaned, seeing the N7 sleeve and the man it was attached to along with his partner. They were now blocking their exit. "Shepard-"

  


"Come back up. I know you-you guys will never get out of here without trying to clear a path with some explosives. And then I'd have to explain how both of you walk around all the time with explosive grenades and get drunk while carrying explosive grenades and go to restaurants carrying explosive grenades-"

  


"What Shepard is trying to say," Kaidan interrupted, "is that he's sorry and he didn't mean to be such an ass, Zaeed." He glanced sideways at the front door, nervous about the sheer number of reporters and gawkers he saw there. Shepard's celebrity status always meant there would be some paparazzi lurking around somewhere, but this was different. It felt different. Less about getting a pic and a quick comment. More about a feeding frenzy. "Come on, guys. Come back up."

  


Shepard draped an arm around Kaidan's shoulders. "He's right. I _am_ sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so fixated on it. But you have to admit, it's pretty- _oof_!" He rubbed the spot on his ribs were Kaidan had jammed an elbow.

  


Garrus looked at Zaeed. "Unless there's an empty apartment we can break into to sleep on the floor, I'm not sure we have another option except going out with guns blazing."

  


The merc looked them all over, considering the options. Even though he knew Garrus was joking, in his own present mood he wouldn't take 'guns blazing' off the table as an option and to hell with the repercussions. Best to stay on the side of not killing anyone today-especially innocent (although he didn't necessarily qualify media hacks as innocent) bystanders-if he could help it. He was too tired to do much more than nod briefly at them. Shepard nodded back and Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief as they stepped into the elevator and the doors slid shut.  John put his lips next to Kaidan’s ear and whispered.

  


“Maybe we can play a game of Parcheesi while we wait for it to die down….”

  


~*~*~*~

  


“ _The latest speculation on the Spectre-Porn Star Incident from this morning has taken another interesting turn.  A large furniture delivery service has been spotted entering the apartment building known to house Spectres Shepard and Alenko.  It is also known that Spectre Vakarian and his trophy boytoy, porn star ‘RockIt’, were seen running back to Spectre’s Shepard and Alenko’s apartment.  A brief sighting of the four of them in the lobby did not yield any new information.  Excuse me, sir-!”_

  


A delivery man turned towards al-Jilani with a dubious look on his face.  The camera focused on him, showing his nametag: ‘Pete’.

  


“ _Yeah?_ ”

  


“ _Sir, what do you know of the furniture delivery? What’s it’s purpose?_ ”

  


He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, clearly uncomfortable.

  


“ _Uh, look, lady, it’s a mattress and sleep set.  Usually they’re used for sleeping.  I don’t really have any information other than that.”_

  


“ _Could you at least tell our viewers where it’s being delivered to?”_

  


“ _Ma’am, that’s against protocol.  Our clients trust us not to give out their personal information.  I’m sorry, but I have to do my job and actually DELIVER it.”_

  


She tutted impatiently, tapping her foot as he pushed past her and into the waiting elevator with the other two delivery men.

  


“ _There you have it, viewers…A porn star and three Spectres disappearing into a love nest after a quarrel in public, a new sleep set being delivered…will their depravity know no bounds?  This is Khalisa Binan Sint al-Jilani, for Westerlund News.  Coming up next, an interview with Commander Bailey of Citadel Security and first responder to the incident this morning…”_

  


~*~*~*~

  


“Furniture delivery!”  

  


No answer at the door.  Pete knocked again, a little louder.

  


“Uh, sir?  Delivery for a Mr. John Shepard, or a...Camden Allegra??”  

  


Still no answer.  He checked his datapad: _first bedroom on the left on the first level.  Removal of old furniture requested._ The other name was on the dead part of the screen that didn’t display the pixels properly.  The other two shifted restlessly, wanting to put the mattress down.  

  


“Did you try the door?  Maybe they just didn’t hear you.”

  


He rolled his eyes and thumbed the console.  The door slid open with a hushed whisper and he entered quietly.  He peered around at the expansive kitchen and the messy bar.  Low murmurings were coming from beyond in the living room.

  


“Sir?  Anybody home?”  

  


He ventured further into the cavernous apartment.  The first thing he saw was a pair of toe claws and the legs they were attached to splayed across a couch.  The next thing he saw was the rest of the turian the legs and claws belonged to sprawled face-down across a rather scarred gentleman’s lap, sleeping.  The scarred gentleman’s head had dropped to his chest and he was snoring softly while leaning against a younger man’s shoulder.  The younger man’s head lolled backwards on the back of the sofa, arms wrapped around the fourth sleeping man.  The fourth man was using the younger man’s thigh as a pillow and was curled up in a ball.  The vid screen was on, Commander Bailey’s impatient face splashed across it.

  


_"Commander Bailey, isn't it true that Spectres Shepard, Alenko, and Vakarian are in fact at this very moment engaging in what can only be described as an orgy in order to film a vid in Commander Shepard's apartment to aid in the resurrection of RockIt's pornography vid career?"_

  


_"What the hell are you talking about, you little-"_

  


_"And isn't it true that other former Normandy crew members have been invited to this apartment to engage in reenactments of orgies that occurred on the Normandy SR1 and SR2 during Shepard's command in order to film these scandalous activities also in an attempt to restart RockIt's porn career?"_

  


_"I have no idea what-"_

  


_"A mattress was seen being delivered to this building, you can't deny that. What other purpose could that possibly serve, but to be a porn vid prop?"_

  


_"Well I dunno, lady. Maybe someone actually wanted to sleep on it. Jeezus chri-"_

  


_"Commander Bailey, isn't it also true that you yourself have been invited to participate in these nefarious film vids-"_

  


_"Do you just make this shit up as you go along? I don't have to-"_

  


_"-and that you have placed yourself as a security risk by becoming closely associated with the bounty hunter and mercenary, Zaeed Massani, also known as the porn star RockIt?"_

  


He blinked, shock evident on his face.  After a few moments, he collected his thoughts enough to respond. _"That's enough outta you!"_ Bailey’s fist shot out, hitting al-Jilani in an uppercut to her jaw, sending her flying backwards with a strangled cry. He turned to face the still hovering camera. Drawing his pistol, he muttered, _"This interview is over. Buncha goddamn-"_ The camera feed cut out, but not before the commander fired a shot, sending sparks flying.

  


The delivery men paused in the doorway of the guest room, chuckling at the news report in the background.  Pete had double-checked the order form and confirmed their delivery was in fact for Spectres Shepard and Alenko.  All three had sniggered at the datapad’s mess of the second Spectre’s name.

  


They didn’t really think it was an orgy or a porn set, but they did have some questions about the state of the furniture they were removing.  Feathers from a ripped pillow, padding and batting from the torn mattress, and what was that blue stuff smeared everywhere?  The room smelled nice, though, like cloves and cinnamon.  

  


“ _Damn_...must’ve been some party they had.”

  


“Think we’ll get accosted by that reporter again on the way out?”

  


“Oh, geez...I hope not.  Can you imagine what they’d say about the stuff we’re removing?”

  


“Alright, guys, knock it off...we’ll put it in the packaging the new stuff came in.  Privacy policy, remember?  Besides, the account that ordered this has ordered this same order multiple times, but never to this address.  That news lady is full of krogan droppings.”

  


“If you say so, Pete…

  


The three delivery men let themselves out of the apartment quietly, trying not to disturb the sleeping group in the living room. The four news-famous people didn’t stir from the big puppy pile they had made on the couch, dead to the world outside the window-and apparently dead to whatever happened in Shepard’s own apartment. The door clicked shut and Garrus growled briefly in his dreams, his foot kicking slightly-the only sign any of them had heard any disturbance.

  
The news report had cut back to the salarian anchor in the studio. “ _We will keep you updated on the incident this morning on the Silversun Strip, including reports that Commander Bailey assaulted our reporter and destroyed a news camera owned by this station.  Next up, police brutality on the Citadel: a growing problem?  Stay tuned…_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!! MWAH, MWAH, MWAH!!! Visit us on tumblr and keep up on our series for more mshenko and Vaksani lovin's. ^__^ YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!
> 
> [ potionsmaster (aka nightmarestudio606) on Tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ ThreeWhiskeyLunch on Tumblr](http://threewhiskeylunch.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ The Storm that Brought Me to You by potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/series/268873)
> 
> [ Madness Because the Reasons Don't Make Sense by ThreeWhiskeyLunch](http://archiveofourown.org/series/175652)


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